Not feeling very strong today. I would say that over the last couple of weeks, I have thought about gambling up to 80% of the time. Not necessarily having urges to actually gamble, just thinking about what it has done to my life and what it means going forward. I’m still young and potentially have lots of things to look forward to. But these things cost money. And at the moment, I have none at all. Whilst I know that wont be the case forever (as long as i stay “clean”) my patience is close to non-existent and I find it tough to just take a step back and look long term. I want everything to be “fixed” and I want it to happen now. I very nearly broke my run this morning as a result of these desperate thoughts, but managed to walk away this time. Perhaps that wont always be the case. I hope it will be though! For today, I will not gamble.
I had quite a realistic feeling dream last night that I was having a baby lol. I’d love to have children some day, but i’m in no rush and more than happy to be an ‘older’ mom. In the dream I had just found out that I was pregnant, my family and my boyfriend were absolutely ecstatic about the news. And on the surface, so was I. But in my head i was screaming, loud and hard and frantic. I was having an internal panic attack that only I knew about. I had no idea how I would look after and care for another life, when I had no control over my own. I felt like I already knew I would be nothing but a disappointing failure to this little person for their whole life.
When I woke up, I was so so very relieved. But also quite disturbed. I have been trying to stay strong through this horrendous period in my life, but I realised this morning that no matter how much I put on a very convincing brave face and try to think positively, deep down i’m struggling and i’m hurting. I’m sick and tired of doing nothing but secretly worry all day every day. I hope at some point in the future I can get through a day or two at a time without the constant burden of what I have done hanging over me like a relentless black cloud.