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Not posted here for a few days, not for any sinister reason, just that I’ve not really had the chance. Had a lovely weekend spending time with my family and my boyfriend. We got up really early on Sunday and went for a morning stroll round a local farm which is popular with dog walkers. It was such a pleasantly warm morning, we chatted and giggled and drank in the smell of freshly cut grass. I love living my life with him 🙂 and that’s the difference when I don’t gamble – I actually appreciate being just being alive. A morning walk and conversation with my amazing chap cost me absolutely nothing, and it was so much more fulfilling than spending hours spinning reels waiting for the bonus rounds.

What the f*ck has been wrong with me all these years? Why did I think I needed to gamble to feel alive? Or what was I running away from? Maybe it was my form of self-harm, but why? My life, when I actually take a step back and look properly, has so much potential. Could’ve had even more had I not been such a raving f*ckin idiot! So very annoyed with myself. What an absolutely disgusting waste of my time.

Hmmmfff. As you can see… feeling a bit of a mixture between appreciating my life as it is now and mourning the years i’ll never get back. I hope the self hatred will some day fade.