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Hi EVeryone

Thanks for the wonderful comments. I haven’t yet had another episode of the self harming, though I have had urges brought on by the frustration I feel in myself. I actually think I have been ill for a long time in the way I see myself and the world. If I am honest, I have always felt strange, as if I don’t belong and I have punished myself for many things in various ways. I think my gambling was another manifestation of that. I don’t deserve good things so what can I do to hurt myself. These are issues I need to work through.

I look at my life now and I am starting to meet people I went to un with 20 years ago. They all have secure jobs, homes they own, career prospects. I feel I have nothing but devstation brought on by myself. Gambling was just my latest way of fucking myself over.

Had a great meeting in GA yesterday. Still have to work out what do do with my debts and the debts of the company. Still need to clear my head and find the strength to make positive steps. Still feel very lost – but will find the strength.

Am going to see my parents today, leaving partner and Valentin behind to give her a break. I will be back tomorrow.

Thank god I can’t gamble with my computer, becuase I am sure I would have done these last 17 days. And I am sure I would have done a lot of terrible damage.

I cannot be complacent. I got a text message from a poker company I had signed up with offfering me a free bonus. Deleted it. Felt nothing for it.

Lots of love to all, thank you for being here. Means so much