Hi Butch, Vera, Happy and everyone else who took the time to read my post and reply to me offering their thoughts. I take something from all of them.
Today is day 19. That is a new record for me. Some people say you shouldn’t count the days, but I think it is important for me to do so. I need to know that I didn’t gamble, which proves I do not need it. I am so fearful of my future, but I have so much to do before I can go to Gordon Moody House. There is so much I need to do. Every morning I wake up and think “what have I done?” Why did I do it? It seems all I want to do is hurt myself. The gambling, the drugs, the stupid decisions. All of these have hurt my life. I haven’t been really happy for so long I do not know what it means. I accept I will be a CG forever. I found myself imagining having a bet, and all I saw was depression returning and more devastation. I don’t want that.
Right now I am completing a spread sheet of all the company debts, assets etc. I found a company who are helping us to do the right thing. I need to make Monica redundant, I need to close this down with the minimum of fuss and maximum effect.
I still struggle to understand why I was not on this site last year when I was caught by my wife in January 2014 before the big project started. Why didn’t I go back to GA? I knew I had a problem, why didn’t I want to sort it sooner? Because I wanted to have my cake and eat it. I wanted to be the big shot, succesful producer AND gambler. Even though I knew, just KNEW, that gambling would get out of control again. And when it did, I still did nothing, just hated myself more.
I suppose I knew this moment was coming.
I had an ok day yesterday, but I notice that the longer I am off gambling the more my thoughts are focused on my mistakes. I know I am human, but why did I have to be such a fool?
I do hope that I can turn this around. It is not enough just to not gamble – I have to take responsibility for what I have done, and I have to accept the consequences.
I never want to gamble again, I want a new life – and I know that that will only happen one day at a time. Maybe this is all positive, that this HAD to happen as I was unhappy anyway – the gambling only made that worse. Maybe, just maybe, the gambling has done me a favour and is making me look at my life, instead of papering over cracks.
Roll on Day 19