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Thanks Steve – we are and will be working on this together.
So this is now Day 2 – and I am committing to maintaining a journal.
Day 1 was a mix of highs and lows.
Hysterical crying fits and depression were fought off with actions and communication.
I know from my own weakness over the past seven years – through false promises and attempts to stop, overtaken by constant scheming and lies – that the only way I am going to beat this is through surrendering control and being helped. I am no longer arrogant to think I can do this alone. And no longer do I feel alone. For the first time in years, I know I am loved and truly blessed.
I have surrendered all control of my finances to my family, and will live on strict allowances as needed…for the rest of my life – it has to be this extreme, I know this is the only way. No more access. From my own experience, I know that if I do not have money then there is nothing I can lose. The fear of losing is now for the first time presiding over the false hope of ‘winning’. But not just the financial loss, but the fear of losing my wife and family. I know this will take strength, not just from me but from my family, but this is the only way. Day 1 spend = 0. My first day of really ‘winning’. I have also started the process of self exclusion, with some already confirmed and others on the way. This provides the second level of control. I will never step into or log into a casino again – I now believe it…more so knowing that I physically cannot or do not have any money to go with. I urge any of you under such pressures to take similar measures of control to safeguard against relapses. For the first time in forever, I have started communicating. The transparency is upsetting but I know this will help me and my loved ones to rebuild.
Counselling sessions have been planned, which will help me understand the scale of the battle ahead. I am applying for jobs. Financially, I lost in half a decade what I built in a decade. Emotionally, I lost more. I know it will be slow and hard, with lows along the way, but I will recover. I know I can build it back and more. I will fight. I will save my marriage and my life. I will make my wife, my family and me proud again. I now accept I can’t give them or have the life I could have – but I still want a happy life with them, day by day, starting with today.
The plan is to progress exclusions, job applications and general admin today -and spend time with my family. There is a lot to do on Day 2.