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Day 275 – I really appreciate reading everyone’s stories on here. Not gambling has been really difficult at times. Even though things are better from a financial stand point I still often find myself wanting to place a wager and feel the action once again. I just read 3racers admission of relapse and it reminds me of my major relapses… I know if I gamble again it will be just as he explains. The worst thing ever. Today is football day. I did love to wager on a game and watch it… But then again I loved to wager on everything.
I’ve been very fortunate… I have been able to get out of debt and save a bit. I’ve been working consistently. My back has been feeling better and better, which is good. My nerve damage is not better but other parts of my leg have gotten stronger and are making up for the loss of nerve. Things could be way worse.
I’m not sure I’ll ever completely loose the feeling of wanting to place a wager… But I always try to remember what placing wagers did to me… I was ready to kill myself. I had nothing. I was ashamed of myself. I knew if others knew how bad I was what t hey would think of me. I was an absolute train wreck at all times. I wasn’t sleeping. I was lying to myself and everyone around me. I felt sick daily. I didn’t;t eat right. I hardly ever brushed my teeth for some reason. My place became dirty. Dishes weren’t done. I wasn’t playing music and sitting in the sun. I wasn’t planning trips or ever having dun with anyone. I was always putting gambling first. Instead of eating something nice I would gamble and then with the few pennies left I’d grab some crafty fast food. If I can rattle off that much crap in just a few minutes gambling is bad. There is nothing good about it. I’m addicted to the feeling of it. The rush. The money is just the aftermath of the rush…. the action…
I’m not gambling anymore. Guess I just needed to say all that.