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Day 297 – It’s weird. I have urges to gamble here and there but not everyday. Sometimes days go by without a thought. I still think about the losses… maybe that won’t ever go away…? I know I can’t ever gamble again. I come back here daily to remind myself by reading some past posts about how bad it was. It’s almost 300 days since I was suicidal. I was suicidal because I couldn’t figure a way out. I felt so alone. I felt the world caving in on me. I was hopeless. I had no friends. My family was distant and distrusted me when it came to gambling or quitting. I was lost and hurt. I’ve worked very hard these last almost 300 days to pay off all debt and start savings. I’ve had one week off in that entire time. Losing everything sucks. Having a crutch like gambling sucked. I didn’t know then what I know now. Gambling was a symptom of my pain. When I started looking inward at why I was gambling it put things into perspective for me. Sure I was gambling for the money or to make back the money, or to pay the bills, etc. But the reason I never stopped gambling was to avoid something… What was I trying to avoid? It took a while but the truth is and always was the same… I was trying to avoid myself and all the feelings I had. Gambling was my companion, my friend, my savior, it was there for me. It gave me something to hope for in a somewhat bleak world and existence. It helped me forget that I was alone and scared. It helped me forget that I was going to die. I could always place a bet and feel nothing but the rush, the action, the gamble. It coursed through my veins, it quieted the noise inside. It calmed my mind. It gave me everything I needed. Unfortunately that is all true…
But once I started questioning it all… All my justifications. All my reasoning… All my hopes for luck… I realized that I was wrong.
The only true hope was to just stop. To look in the mirror and start asking the hard questions. At this point I don’t have many answers. I’m not fixed. I don’t even know what that means. But I still know that gambling again will only amplify all the pain again and take me down a road that I don’t ever want to go down again.