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I slept a little better last night, not necessarily because I was feeling any better, just exhaustion finally got the better of me.

I’m finding that every waking moment and most of the sleeping ones are still consumed by thoughts of gambling. Although not actually wanting to gamble, just everything that has happened as a result. My mind keeps spinning and spinning… What if I hadn’t of done this and why didn’t I just do that. It’s sending me potty!

When I read all of your threads I see that I am quite young compared to many… And whilst you lovely people would take that as a positive, in that ‘at least I’ve realised and sought help now’… It actually makes me more scared. I’ll tell you why, I look at what I COULD have later in my life… My own lovely home, marriage, family, savings, nice holidays. And I think to myself, I’m sure all my fellow GT members had the same hopes for their future, but this disease has eventually ruined their chances or taken it all away. I am petrified that I’ll look back in another 25 years and still be in the same position I am now – if not a lot worse.

After all, the lower our expectations, the lesser our disappointments. This addiction makes me want to have no hopes and dreams and no expectations from my life on this earth at all. It makes me want to continue to push people away from my destructive ways and tell them to stay away for their own good.

I have got a glimmer of hope on he horizon as far as my financial situation is concerned. With no help or windfall it would likely take me a good 5 years plus to pay back what I owe. But I was in quite a serious non-fault car accident last year and am due to have operations next month on my ankles. I’ve also had to have many other treatments for damage to my neck, shoulders and back. As a result, I could be due a fairly decent compensation payout in a few months time; this could potentially clear my debt and leave me with a little bit to put away for a house deposit. In an ideal world it would have all been towards a house but clearing the debt is obviously my priority. I will have never seen that sort of money in my account before, I really hope my plans for it go ahead, I’ll never get that sort of lump again in my life and I don’t want this addiction to steal it from me and what could be my future 🙁 I think I’ll ask my mom to hold the remainder in her account for me once all my debt is paid.

Most people look forward to their future, but mine scares me senseless.