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Today is day 3. I’ve been here lots of times before so this is not that impressive to me. I actually haven’t gambled on the weekends in over a month. Generally my husband is home and that is the biggest block for me as if I go out, he will ask where I’m going. When he is not here, I can just go without anyone knowing.

I’ve been reading through a lot of journals on here and the story is always the same. Doing good, doing good, being positive, etc. and then like we are different people completely, we relapse and go and gamble thousands of dollars away. It’s crazy to me that that is what we do. I’ve done it. I’ve read of others doing it. We know we shouldn’t. We are smart, “somewhat” rational people. But then something inside changes and it’s like – I don’t even care about the consequences. But we do care when we lose it all, don’t we. Or even if we win, then we think, “great, I’ll just go back everyday this week and win every time!” like it is a choice we have any control over. If we could win every time then we wouldn’t be here, struggling with debt, struggling with lies and deceit, and struggling with our self worth.

It’s this loss of control that I find the most strange. I read someone write “I would drive across town to save $2 but not think twice about feeding a machine $1000’s” (I forget who wrote it) but isn’t it true? It’s true for me. I’d like to figure out why I can’t remain that cost conscious person, that rational person, that person who KNOWS I shouldn’t gamble. I’d like to figure out why (or how) my mind can change into this irrational, foolish, forgetful, demon on so many occasions.

This week will be good for me as my husband is home but I have already been thinking about the casino and how I could get there or when. I visit with a relative every few weeks and she lives right near a casino. One where I’ve left with over $10,000 once (I owed a bunch of debt so it was good I won that but I have none of that left to show for anything).. I am going to see her this week. It will be a huge challenge for me to go there and NOT stop at the casino afterwards. I’m going on Wednesday. I don’t want to go to the casino. I don’t want to lose. And I don’t gamble anymore so a casino is a silly place for me to go.

It is a holiday weekend here so I have not been able to put the money away into a safe account. I am going to call tomorrow to setup an appt. In the meantime I am trying to stay busy and keep my thoughts positive and not think about the losses. The money is gone. Can’t get it back. I can work really hard to save as much money as I can so I can feel successful and not weighed down by the losses. That is surely a hard thing too, accepting the losses.

If I had a time machine my life could be fixed. But I don’t. So other than work hard and save as much as I can, there is no option to get the money back.

Lots on my mind these past few days. It feels good to get these thoughts out. I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but it’s helping me all the same. If you are reading this, thanks, and also know I am here for you as much as I hope you are here for me.

Day 3 – not complete but going good so far.

Stay Strong folks.