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Today I feel so overwhelmed with all the pressures from my personal and work life. Today I’ve been pushed to take on more assignments at the same time when I have deadlines for my current two. And I’m being pressured to get something out in drafts today for the existing two. Truth is I haven’t started anything. I have to work on that tonight in my time now.

My head is in a spin and I cannot focus so I’m looking to my coping mechanism again for help. Only beauty is I haven’t got a cent to play. But I’m not going there.

All this is getting too much for me. I booked my time off from work in the system for when I go into rehab and just as well as work had booked me for an immediate urgent assignment without my notification which clashed with my placement. So I’m pleased that I crossed that hurdle with my employer today.

Had a chat with helpline today which helped me to stay focused and take it one day at a time. I need to get my head around this. I feel I’m throwing myself into work to cope with my anxiety but I am not concentrating and spending hours doing nothing and not getting any results. Just responding to my team and management at work to keep them happy and let them know I am working on it.

I’ve got such a headache. I need to eat and drink. My body is aching. Maybe I should go for a walk but I can’t afford the time cos I have so much work to get out for tomorrow. Story of my life. That’s why I gambled late at night as my form of relaxation and entertainment and went on till the early hours of the morning or all night when I lost.

I’m going to bed too late at night, too. Went to sleep at 2:30 am again last night. I have to break this cycle and pattern. It’s not doing me any good. I stay tired and feel bloated and fat. I’ve got to start to learn to like me again. I seem to have changed for my ‘gambling partner’. I became a different person but not a nice person. I’ve lost all my inner beauty and values.

Have to stay strong and focus and spend time in prayer and mediation for strength and to learn to trust again.