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So I am lost again. Thoughts running through my head. I don’t want to go to GMA, I don’t want to leave my life here. My gamling isn’t that bad, I want to save my company. I want to save my marriage. Why have I been so fucked up mentally all year, why have I been so lazy and not got the stuff done that needs to be don, why have I left it all so late?

I was going through my company bank accounts and at the start of the year I could have solved everything. Why am I deliberately sabotaging myself. WHy can’t I just live my life? I feel so alone. WHy have I let my copmany and my life just wither and die? Why does my wife hate me so much? Why can’t I have the strength I need to make the right decisions.

I have proved that I can go without gambling, but I am not functioning. WHy is that? Why did I apply for GMA when I am not as bad as some people? I know my gambling became a problem, but I have shown with the right blockers in place I can stop gambloing – but I have not recovered from the knowledge of what I have done. Or have I exxaderated in my mind? I know I have been self harming a few weeks ago in frustration and self hatred, but do I have to rn away from my life?

I am in such a state at the moment I do not think there is anyone who can help me make the right decision. I really don’t now what to do. I am quite suicidal at the moment.

Since my wife found out about my gambling the wheels have really come off my train. But do I have to run away?

The truth is since I ave been stopping gambling all my energy has been focused on that instead of focusing on turning my life around? Why am I so pathetic? I think JD was right, gambling is a small part of my problem. My problem is deeper and lies in the essential understanding of who I am. I have not had a bad life and yet I have created a hirrible life for myself. I grew up in a good family, but I have no self confidence, and for some reason I hate myself so I have created the life I have created.

Sbyil wrote amazing things on her blog about bio-feedback. For some reason I am feeling that I have exxacerbated my situation – I am so not in control of my emotions and feelings I am confused and scared. I am terrified of what I have done to my life, my wife;s life. I feel I have run away and thrown everything away.

I feel that closing the company is the wrong thing to doi, I just want to try and work my way out of it. But if I could do that, wouldn’t I hae done that? 33 days ago I lapsed and 18 days before that I lapsed. But I have done NOTHING useful or positive in the times in between except feel sorry for myself? Is that my depression, or who I am? Why haven’t I been able to break through? WHat is wrong with me?

My entire body is shaking right row, I am on the verge of tears and I have very begative feelinsg running through my mind. I want to gamble to make all of this go away – I know if I can gamble these thoughts will go – at least for a while. But that is the addiction talking. The addiction is what has made me feel this way. What do I do?

I am committed now to GMA, people have made arrangements, we have moved our stuff out of the office and into storage. But while I am at GMA I will not be able to work on my company, it is fester? It needs attention.

Has anyone out there been through what I am going through?

EMotionally I am a wreck, and all I can do is look back and see how lazy I have been, was that the gambling? WHy could I not stick to my plans? But I had problems before the gambling?

My life is such a mess, I am really scared. I am like a little boy, scared, lonely, at a loss. Can GMA help me with thiongs beyond the gambling?

WHy didn’t I stop the gambling when I had work on to focus on, why did I spend more and more time gamblong when I should have been working. I could have avoided all of this?

Sorry for the weird post, but my head is all messed up again.

I am scared.