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ok so it’s payday for me today. I got up early and paid all my bills, calculated how much I would have “spare” to last me the month and then wondered if I might be able to double that somehow. Triple it even. Maybe I could even find a way to make all my debts disappear. Even as I am sat here typing this I can see the reels spinning in my head.

But I know I mustn’t. I know that the only way I can get out of this hole filled with debt, despair and disappointment is by being patient and doing things the RIGHT way.

I keep trying to remind myself that the buzz I get from depositing and spinning in no way compares to the hell that follows. When i’m in the grips of this addiction, I barely eat, I barely sleep and I don’t look after myself at all. I would hide away and stay up til all hours in my room spinning away. I would switch all the lights off so nobody could see that I was still awake at 2am, 3am, 4am.

I’m feeling very vulnerable right now. I really want that escape. The mental strength that recovery takes should never be underestimated, I like to think of myself as a strong minded woman in nearly every aspect of my life. Apart from this one of course. I have no control. No strength. No power from within.