Dear Adele
And I thought you were not posting because you had nothing you felt you needed to say!
This is cyber space Adele and as such we cannot ‘know’ each other in the same way as if we were physically close. I ‘think’ I understand totally your feelings, as to why you were astounded at your reaction to your husband’s near death experience and it can only be with those thoughts I form my reply.
It would be naïve to suggest that all non-CGs are going to react in the same way, even when they have been given the same support and knowledge. I cannot imagine anybody being instantly prepared to deal with this addiction in a totally empathetic, sympathetic way when it is forced into their lives, unasked for, by another. In my opinion there has to be a toll and depending on the individuals the toll will be different.
Only an individual can determine how deep their abyss is. In my opinion there can never be a judgement on the different ways non-CG deal with the addiction. You have been hit by something you did not expect or sign up for and whatever your outcome and feelings you will be understood on here.
There is nothing wrong, with you, or your feelings. I suggest you didn’t feel as you would have expected to because the addiction has temporarily suffocated your ability to feel empathetic towards the person who has hurt you but based on experience I truly believe this can change.
I suggest that you give yourself time. I am not a believer that that what is said when a person is Brahms and Liszt ( cockney rhyming slang for your condition) is always the absolute truth but maybe it is an indication, maybe not.
In the cold light of day I know you will read what you have written and ponder what it means and I will be interested to read your ponderings.
I know you have accepted that your husband did not ask for or want this addiction but that does not completely diminish the effect it has had on you. Give yourself time. Your recovery is on-going and is not complete. Anger, frustration and struggling with foreign emotions is not something you wake up and find resolved overnight. Keep posting. I know you will come to your own informed decision.
Your friends sound terrific – you are very lucky to have them although I suspect you deserve them. Now was obviously the right time to tell them so don’t concern yourself with why you didn’t before.
Good to hear you posting about you again
V