#1371
velvet
Moderator

Dear B
The positive bit was great and did rather put the negative bit in the shade.
Learning to control the addiction to gamble does of course involve handling stress if it is approached in the right way as I suspect your husband’s rehab did BUT handling ‘all’ stress – not possible methinks.
Sometimes small and insignificant things happen and irritate the calmest soul. Maybe putting the pasta in a bowl in the middle of the table and letting him serve himself next time will let him know you found his earlier reaction unreasonable – teaching him is still an ongoing process because he is still a work in progress. You know the nature of the interruption and the decibels the yelling reached when you interrupted his tv vewing– was the murderer about to be uncovered in the programme he had been glued to for 2 hours?
Irritations occur in all relationships – it is the level of irritation and the level of the reaction that matters. Somebody who is worried would probably tut quicker but it doesn’t mean they are not handling stress – yelling does imply that stress is not being handled and the reason for the stress probably needs to be dealt with. Your husband does have ongoing concerns with his father and it would be better for him to share them so try and let him know that shouting is not the way to do it. You are much stronger than your husband B – see the yell for what it is – it is almost certainly not directed at you – it is probably an anger that is still boiling inside him.
I don’t suggest you put up with bad behaviour because it can easily become the norm again. Ask him why he yelled. Remind him of the happy trip away and let him know you don’t deserve his anger. I am not in favour of the silent treatment as I believe that is when distorted perceptions fester, although I think it is best to walk away in the immediate aftermath of the yell and count to at least 10.
You are doing well – it is best to stay calm when you are dealing with your husband – stressing yourself is not good for your pregnancy and doesn’t help either of you. If there is something ‘going on’ use your powers of persuasion to find out what – you can possibly do it by reminding him that you are not the cause.
Speak soon
V