Dear Ell
Your feeling of tiredness is totally understandable. You are working long hours; you have a child to care for and on top of all that you are still awakening from a long nightmare and finding your world a little confusing.
I hope it will help you to know that I do know very well other couples who struggled as you have done but who are living without the ‘if’s and ‘buts’ and I had someone tell me the other day that they would trust their CG friend, who is controlling his addiction, above anybody else.
My suggestion would be to make the box in your mind as small as possible so that you can tuck it away into the part of your brain that has dealt with any problems in the past.. One day Ell you will perhaps look for that box and find it is gone or maybe you will never look and you will have to take my word that it will have disappeared.
Don’t be afraid of the feelings you have or why you re-read your thread. You are re-building and probably wanted to check the foundations and I don’t blame you. You believed you had a wonderful relationship and then your dreams were dashed – it is hard to start again, harder than the when you first started your relationship from nothing. You have a history now that was (and is) unwelcome for both of you. Only you can know how much you love your husband and how much you want your marriage to work. I don’t think you should settle for a relationship ‘in the middle’ and I know I keep saying that only time will give you your answers but that is what I believe.
I believe it is normal to resent a little that a CG ‘appears’ to have a confidence and self-assuredness more quickly perhaps than the F&F had thought possible but in spite of this I believe the CGs recovery is far harder. In my opinion that is the way it will happen – F&F hold back longer wanting more reassurance, often more than the CG can give. There are many things probably that you husband will never know or realise that you did and that you are still doing. I believe it is probably true of so many couples Ell that one is emotionally stronger than the other but this does not make a couple unbalanced because there is more to a relationship than emotional equality. Your husband is showing great strength in other ways.
Ell if there is things you want to talk about more deeply please try and pop back into a group. I have an hour now on Thursdays between 210-2200 hours UK time and I have missed you.
Με αγάπη