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How wise you are ! It was kind to hear that you understand what I am going thru and I think without knowing it I have been trying to do what you said. I decided that was I thought would *fix everything* really wouldn’t and that maybe I just need to be ok with the fact we are in 2 different beds – and I told my cg so – It had been bothering me and I was focusing on that as the solution to everything. Now I realize that it is more important for us to try and get along and his behaviors to change than for us to be in the same bedroom. And I felt at peace with that. I am focusing on the whole picture now instead of just the parts that need fixing.
One thing I do want to say is I feel I have been **more** than patient. My cg’s problems, while not always gambling, have been going on most of our marriage. Id say 17 out of the 20 years we have been together have been filled with lies, hidden bank acou
*ts, addictions (various), disappearing at odd times, diagnosis of mental illness and the craziness there of, sexual abuses and addictions, etc, etc… And during all this time I have been supportive, been to many therapists with him for couples counseling, my own therapy, and at last addition he has had at least 6 different therapists in maybe 8 years? that I can remember anyway…not adding all the different psychiatrist he has had, falling asleep at the wheel multiple times, multiple (MANY!) car accidents, etc. I have been excruciatingly patient..too patient many people have said. So in this regard, it is not a shock that at this point I am *SO SICK* of all his drama and problems – Yet here I remain. I guess I decided for my kids this is better for now. And I had a dream last night that my cg died and I was so sad…I yearn for the good times – we had had many- and I agree that you can only be where you are and enjoy those moments.

I asked myself if I knew I only had 2 years to live, would I leave my cg? Thinking of unfinished business I might want to do (meet someone else, etc) and my answer to myself was “no” – I would not leave him bc nothing is guaranteed and I want my family – I want my kids to have a family and I want my family and my cg is trying to change.

I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone but me, but I hope it does. Ell, I appreciate all the time you took writing to me and knowing that you have asked the same questions I have..I don’t know what the answers will be but I am here daily waiting for the answers to show up.
WIth blessing of peace,