Dear Hammy
I hope you know that your husband’s gambling is definitely not your fault and that blaming you is his way of deflecting responsibility for his actions.
I agree with Worriedmama that Gamanon is a terrific place to get on-the-ground support – it is where I found my salvation. It took weeks for me to stop the tears long enough to say who I was and why I was there – so please don’t worry about the tears falling as you read this forum – they are hopefully the tears of relief and hope.
I understand when you say you don’t know how much more you can take – I’m afraid this addiction brings those who love them all the way down, if they allow it. I allowed it because I was unaware it was an addiction in my home that was controlling my life and unfortunately the counsellors and psychiatrist I saw had me believing the problem was mine, which is why Hammy I am here writing to you – I know you can stop the roller-coaster even if you cannot stop your husband gambling.
Never forget, in the midst of all the pain that you do not own your husband’s addiction – he is controlled by it but you do not have to be because even though it doesn’t remotely feel like it yet – you are stronger than his addiction.
A coping method that many of us have used successfully, although not recognised professionally, is to separate our loved one from the addiction in our minds by imagining the addiction like a beast snarling away in the corner of the room, waiting to pounce when a wrong word is said – waiting for an excuse to justify its existence.
When it is lying quietly in the corner your husband can be the life and soul of the party, the brilliant father and there might even be glimpses of the man you fell in love with. At some point in his life, your husband gambled for fun, just like so many people but for his personality, sadly, addiction was waiting and before he knew it he was compulsively gambling and the beast in the corner reared its ugly head.
When you shout, threaten, plead the beast comes out of the corner driving a wedge between you, from that moment on your husband hears your words distorted by addiction and his replies are the replies of his addiction. A CG cannot walk away from the gamble which means they are constantly feeling failure which destroys their self-confidence and self-esteem. Lacking rationality and logic a CG uses lies and manipulation to cover feeling of worthlessness. With treatment the CG can tip addiction out of their minds leaving room for honesty and truth but they have to want to do it.
I think it is better to stand back and listen when the addiction is in full flow because fighting back feeds it. This might seem negative but it removes you from the centre of the addiction and gives you time and energy to look after you.
It is my belief and hope that you will gain strength by sharing on these pages. I don’t know what your outcome will be – over the years our members have travelled on every road and arrived at many different destinations but none of those outcomes are ever judged, we have to make of our lives what we will. I believe that with knowledge though we can make better informed decisions.
Velvet
