It seems the addiction had a good old squark at your expense when it didn’t get its own way, I remember the horrible screeching noise well, so annoying !
I think you’ve done extremely well to stand your ground and not enable him in the ways that he wanted you to, as we’ve said before if he wants to do it he will but the important thing is that you are not the one to help him, you will have sent an extremely loud message to his addiction – hence the reaction, insults and blame. He is too blind to know that this is the kindest thing you can do for him at the moment.
Did he stay or did he go in the end ? Which ever it was, you are going to need to be stronger than ever which maybe the last thing you want to be right now. I am guessing that he will have either gone back to agreeing to the rules in order to shut you up, or he is relieved at having been given a first class excuse to go off and gamble, feeling a level of justification somewhere down the line.
However I suspect there will be a considerable amount of squarking in the pipeline for you to listen to!
Be strong Hope you have told him where you stand and what you need for you right now and a bit of space seems like a useful idea right now and I for one hope you have taken it even if it is just enough time to let things calm down and you to regain some clarity of thought.
It does seem when in the thick of it that you are fighting the beast, that’s what it likes and breeds off. Further down the line I think I realised there is no fight to be had, more a question of boundaries, my own boundaries – the line in the sand.
Its a good question Hope ? When was the last time you were happy in this relaitionship ? Would you let someone treat you in this manner who did not have this addiction? or is it that you sometimes see a glimmer of the person that he could be should he decide to get him self under control ? I know there’s a few questions there but I think you hit the nail on the head about your own happiness, dreams and aspirations and I hope you can keep these at the forefront of your mind in whatever communications you have in the coming days.
This has to be about you and your children and how you want your lives to be, there is no fight to be had where that is concerned, you already know the answers, they are within you, your inner voice will be talking to you all be it more of a whimper at the moment given your recent experience. Please listen to it as it will be talking a lot of sense.
I went backwards and forwards so many times it was unreal so if you did decide not to take some space please do not see that as being a weakness, try to stick to what you know you can follow through – out of little acorns grow big oak trees.
I think many of us have given ultimatums that we have been unable to follow through and often through wanting to believe that this time its going to change. The addiction seems to gain some weird strength from a failed ultimatum seeing it as another risk, another gamble that’s how it felt to me.
Sometimes I think its better just to make a promise or a pact to yourself rather than issue an ultimatum. Mine was that I would not live with the addiction to gamble again, it would be a very unwelcome visitor in my home and the children’s home and now I know I would have no hesitation in slamming the door in its face and keeping it shut, where as for years it was always a little ajar.
I wish you strength in the coming days and hope you update soon, everyone here is walking with you in their own way, you are most definately not alone.
Jenny x