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Dear Jenny
You asked in an earlier post, why you married him, why did you talk to him and now why did you feed him. I try never to do ‘what ifs?’ or ‘if onlys’ because what happened has happened and therefore cannot be undone. I think ‘why’ is different because if we don’t ask ‘why’ we could make the same mistake again.
Why did you talk to him? Well he asked to talk to you which seemed a perfectly reasonable thing to do. I would have said yes too – after all it would be good to get some answers – and you did get the bonus of the key back! Also he had had time to think so maybe…….. . However you found that nothing had changed, you got confirmation that his addiction was still active and so you knew you were right to distance yourself from him.
Why did you marry him? I would imagine that thousands and thousands of people ask themselves that question which in quieter moments they can probably answer perfectly well. CGs are often gregarious jolly types on the outside – just think, if his opening line had been ‘Hi, I am a master of threats and manipulation, guaranteed to bring you pain’- I don’t think you would have gone out with him never mind married him..
Why did you feed him? To me this is the simplest – because you are human, caring and kind, – although I hope it was beans, bread and milk, not caviar and champagne!
He might have been nice to you because he had lost again, he might have been nice because he was hungry – on the other had he might have been nice because he actually did hear you through the fog of his addiction – it is one of the conundrums that keeps F&F going in the cycle – trying to work out what is good and what isn’t. Overall though Jenny he doesn’t appear to be making a real effort to change yet so I would urge you to not think he was nice because he had seen the light.
Your strength hasn’t gone Jenny – getting over the experiences you have had take time, emotions rocket up and plummet down.
I wonder if keeping a journal would help you – it did me. I used to write to myself and bang out on the keyboard all the painful incidents I could remember that had taken me to the sorry state I was in. I found that by putting the thoughts on paper stopped them going round and round in my brain. Whenever I felt overwhelmed I would go and bash away until the pain had gone – usually once a day. Having expunged the anger I would not read what I had written (indeed the foul language and misspellings would have shocked me) but I would print it off and keep it in a hidden file that was never meant to see the light of day. The file got thick as my mind grew lighter – I couldn’t destroy it as I was afraid the thoughts would return to my head.
As I recovered my strength and it ceased to fail me I began to destroy the pages without reading them. I took a long time to destroy them all but healing does take time and it had taken years for me to be so broken..
You said you ‘know’ you can trust yourself and that is terrific because it means your children can trust you too – you are already a wonderful role model for them.
Shutting his addiction out is hard – it is easy to say but so difficult to do. I know you will be alright because I can read the strength building in your posts. I remember crying incessantly and wondering if I would ever laugh again but only a weepy film will get me crying now and I laugh every day. Dry your eyes today Jenny – you are doing well even if it feels like rubbish.
Hoping maybe to ‘see’ you again this evening