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Dear Jenny
It doesn’t sound mad that it is easier to cope with the ‘horrible’ person – you have built your barriers against that horrible person, not Mr nice Guy. However it would be naïve to suggest that this behaviour couldn’t be a ploy, his addiction is manipulative and so your barriers must remain.
I promise you that the strong, I deserve better Jenny is still there – all the ups and down are to be expected after the experiences you have had. It is my belief that F&F build a backbone of steel when they learn about the addiction that has been hurting them and little by little it becomes a second protective skin. Most of the damage his addiction inflicted on you, was possible because you didn’t know what the hell was going on – now you do.
I ‘know’ that Vera had her tongue in her cheek when she wrote that CGs can read minds but I also know that many F&F feel that indeed this is the case, so I want to assure you that he cannot do this. The addiction takes away self-confidence and self-esteem leaving F&F vulnerable and afraid which then lends credence to the belief that the addiction has an unnatural power – but you are gradually reclaiming your self – you have recognised that you deserve more and although you are a little unsure at the moment your strength has been building and will continue to build.
I wish I had a crystal ball Jenny so that I could tell you what to do. I know that one drinking session is possibly not a relapse but possibly a slip that frightened him – I know that slips do scare CG who are really trying to recover and often they strengthen their resolve. Equally you don’t know if he is not drinking at other times and that is the dilemma F&F face when a recovery has been waved about as a possibility.
The bad stuff is nearly always forgotten when the good person shows their face and yes the addiction can show a caring exterior to get what it wants but you won’t keep falling for it if it is just lip-service – you now have your distance, your barriers, your knowledge and above all you are stronger. I am glad that it has become easier for you now you have ceased to rely on him for emotional support – every little victory adds to your strength.
I have no doubt that he also wishes he wasn’t an addict but he can change his life and that is the message I hope he is getting loud and clear. He can control his addiction; he can live the most fantastic life and strange as it may seem be a better person for having the addiction but having the strength to come through it.
I don’t know what your outcome will be but I know that ‘you’ will succeed. I do believe that F&F can make a difference to a CG – they cannot save them but by being strong themselves and standing against the addiction it is the best thing they can do for the CG and gives the most support – even if the CG does not recognise that at the time.
Maybe I will ‘see’ you later, I hope so although I realise that Brownies have a priority.