Dear Jenny
I think I understand your last post – there is so much talk about what it is to be your ex and not enough about what it is to be you. I can remember thinking that nobody was listening to me – all the support seemed to be for the CG.
Your ex is behaving intolerably but he is not in your home which is good, however, he is successfully causing division from without. Your children love him but they are also angry with him which is so confusing for a child.
It is extremely sad but I would imagine that your children will be hurt again and nothing you can do or say will stop it. You cannot take all their pain away Jenny; you cannot change the fact that their father is an active CG. No matter what you do, in the end they will make their own decisions based on what they see – and they will make better decisions if they see that you are coping. Children are naturally selfish and rightly so – they didn’t ask for an addiction to ruin their lives; they may even blame you at some point but let that pain go because they are children and they cannot possibly be expected to understand when nothing makes sense – but if they can see that you are in control, it is one less worry for them. ‘If mum is ok then the world is not such a bad place – I can talk to her and trust her’.
We can only save ourselves but in doing so we can help save those we love. You believe you should be able to ‘make’ everything right for our children but it is not possible in the face of the addiction to gamble when it is in full spate, however, you ‘are’ doing everything right for your children and that is what matters so don’t beat yourself up – children are resourceful and you, as the steadying influence in their lives, will, make a difference.
It is so hard to believe in yourself when everything around you seems unstable – but you must believe in your own principles and trust them. My message is simple but tough – ‘you’ matter Jenny, your life is important and you really can change things for you and your children. Carry on hugging and loving them, fill their lives with laughter and hope especially when they are confused by their father’s poor behaviour.
I have been writing this on and off for a few hours Jenny, trying to find the right words, I have written and deleted so much that I think I need to post it and wait to hear from you to know if I am anywhere near giving you the support that you need.
Velvet
