I am not sure how your time ties in with UK time but have a look at the top of the F&F family forum page for details of how to get into groups – the topic is called ‘Groups’.
You didn’t ‘allow’ what has happened to happen deliberately – how could you know that which the addiction never wanted you to know. If it happened, just because we trusted, this would be a sorrier world than it is now. Of course we should be able to trust. I could not c ount the times the addiction fooled me but I know I am not stupid and you will come to really believe that given time, understanding and knowledge.
Please forget the idea that because you were (and are still strong, even if you don’t feel it), this should not have happened to you. I think the stronger and more confident you were before the addiction hit your life, the greater the problem you have in accepting that there was nothing you could do that would have made any difference. The good bit has to be, surely that, knowing you were confident and strong before, your strength and confidence will still be there if you dig for it.
I am concerned that you do things that you hate. Why you are doing them? It sounds as though you are punishing yourself by working out far too much and yet there is no need for you to be punished – you have done nothing wrong. Can you tell me why you feel you deserve such treatment?
You are indeed in my prayers and when we say the Serenity Prayer every week on Tuesdays at 21.55-22.00 hours UK time I hope you know you are included in the circle.
I do hope we speak soon. Vera’s story is not yours. ‘What ifs’ and ‘if only’ can never be part of the recovery for F&F. Today is what matters and I hope today you can tell me something that you have done for yourself that you wanted to do.