Dear Madge
I am not a CG and therefore unable to read the mind of a CG but I do remember thinking that I understood why my CG had behaved in a certain way when he walked away from me. I thought he was giving me the chance to breathe, that he had done enough damage and could not bear to take me down any further. In recovery he told me that he walked away for himself because as a pathetic blob I was of no further use to his addiction – it had nothing to do with love or regret for me. It was tough lesson but it taught me that thinking we have insightful moments is probably not our best thought.
I think you found words that made sense to you and they make sense to me but I don’t think they would have made sense to your husband, wrapped up, as he is, in distortion. What you did say was supportive and open and he chose not to listen, or he couldn’t comprehend your intended meaning. I see his remark as less of a desire to hurt but the usual desire to blame.
I cannot tell you what to do Madge but personally I wouldn’t offer olive branches to a person whose addiction was still hurting me. Olive branches are to be extended to someone who you have disagreed with – it is a symbol of peace. You have not disagreed with your husband nor brought a fight to his door; he is a CG and in simple terms the usual methods of sorting things out are not available.
I realise this is somewhat negative but acceptance of what you are possibly facing is, in my opinion, so important to you.
What exactly is he doing to change his life? What therapist, counsellors is he seeing and how often? I cannot know why your husband is still putting so many stumbling blocks in front of your relationship but I do question the effort that he is putting in to changing his life. Your husband is apparently not tipping any of his illogical thoughts out of his mind at all.
I wish I could dry your tears but the only person who can do this is you. The snowstorm will pass just as one day you will emerge from the nightmare you are living. You cannot control the snow but you can control your life.
I am urging you on with Jenny –
Be strong – the most important weapon in the hands of an aggressor is the mind of the oppressed. Rise above it Madge – you can do it.
V
