Dear San
The bit of your post that hits home most with me, is when you beat yourself up with a stick for falling for the same old rubbish again but which one of us does not want to ‘know’ when our child needs help – which one of us can turn our backs when the ‘oh so believable’ loss of money can be put right by us.
It doesn’t matter San if we tell ourselves a thousand times, ‘what I am hearing isn’t true – there is always that 1% that says, suppose this time it is true and it is that 1% that keeps us awake at nights.
The brain tumour almost certainly equals the suicide threats but what if………..? Well dear San all his lies have been ‘his’ choice to make. It is ‘his’ threats that have turned him into the boy who, when he cries ‘wolf’, people no longer believe him – and it is only him that can change that.
I am relieved when you say you still the best in everyone because I am the same. I feel that having had the addiction take control my life I ought to be more astute and more doubtful of motives but – why should we be willing to mistrust so easily, surely if this has happened to us then the addiction has won?
What I can do now, that I couldn’t do before, is to walk away faster when my trust is threatened. I know that you have had long periods when you have achieved this too and you can do it again..
Forget beating yourself up, get back to doing what is important, looking after you and supporting your partner through his treatment for cancer.
In the past, all your son’s worries have been overcome, either by the instant method which is you helping him out, or the longer (more frustrating to him) method of sorting himself out. Of course one of these times he might mess up completely and not sort himself out, of course he might get caught on the wrong side of the law – it happens and that is the risk that he takes every time he gambles.
It’s tough San but you have done so well in the past and you can do it again now. Batten down the hatches and keep his addiction out of ‘your’ life. He can change but it doesn’t appear that your son is prepared to make the effort as long as the easy options are there for him.
Look after yourself