#1312
velvet
Moderator

Dear Shelly
You are right to think the words don’t sit well. On one hand your husband is saying that provided you enable him he will tell you when he is indulging his addiction while on the other hand he is saying that if you will not enable him, he will still indulge his addiction but in secret – either way you do not have the marriage that you want and that is his manipulative addiction talking to you.

Enablement is difficult to understand. Giving money to a CG is enablement, as is paying gambling debts for the CG. Turning a blind eye and giving an active addiction freedom to grow in your life is also enablement and that is what he wants you to do.

How old are your children? Are they aware that their father has a problem? Children are often more aware that a parent is struggling with the addiction to gamble than is perceived by the non-CG parent. Your brother is possibly aware that you are not as happy as you should be without knowing the reason why or maybe he does know but is waiting for you to talk. I cannot tell you what to do but I do believe that sharing can be very beneficial although there are provisos such as I mentioned in my previous post. The title of your thread does suggest you could do with a physical shoulder to lean on.

Many F&F think that they have kept the secret of their loved one’s addiction because they have not shared it, in the false belief that it is something to be ashamed about. Siblings, children, parents are often only too aware that there are things that are wrong. Your husband did not ask for or want his addiction any more than you did. He would have placed a ‘harmless’ bet for a bit of fun at one time, like countless others, he was not to know that addiction would waiting for him. There is no shame; he needs support just as you do.

Your husband might be abstaining for a while hoping you ‘forget’; he might be paying you lip-service because the addiction to gamble is the most devious of addictions. I have yet to meet a CG who can control their addiction for any length of time without support.

I am glad you have control of the bank account so that you can safe-guard yourself financially.

You will get stronger, it does take time. Your recovery is important, your self-esteem and confidence will have been battered over the years. Keep venting your feelings, you are creating a journal of ‘you’ that you can look back on and that is incredibly therapeutic.

Keep posting – you are doing great

Velvet