Dear Velvet,
Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are a gift from the universe/my higher power/great spirit – to help me through this really tough but crucial step. You must be helping so many people with your kindness, experience, strength and hope. Your words have given me so much strength and helped me to stop blaming myself and being afraid.
Even before I read your message I had decided to stay in my current flat and not move – not until or unless he addresses his addiction. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do, to protect myself – and my own recovery – from his active disease. That the most loving thing to do is not to enable him by continuing to live with and accept his addiction, and I don’t have to feel guilty about it.
I’m not going to tell him it’s over, as it doesn’t have to be. But I know he will be angry and it will be a very difficult conversation. I’m going to tell him tomorrow so I expect I’ll be posting some more here after that! But I will try to take the approach you suggest of standing back, keeping my cool, just listening and not giving the addict something to get its teeth into. I’ve always known those conversations are a massive waste of time as they are dishonest and like being caught in a crazy loop that makes me doubt my own sanity – but I haven’t known how to avoid them or get out once I’m in.
I know that if he is not ready to face his addiction he will move on to the next girl – the next enabler, and it will hurt, but it will be better for me in the long run. If it is really me he wants – and not just a caretaker, he may be ready to change but I also know that will be a long process. I guess I will just have to take it one step, one day at a time.
Thank you again Velvet and many blessings to you in your own life.