Hi everyone –

How I have longed to post but have been caught up in the drama of my life. To short form it for you:

1. My Dad had a stroke 3 weeks ago – the day before he was to visit for my son’s 16th Birthday – it was very sad and scary and put all of us so out of sorts (being the birthday weekend and all) – I didn’t want to ruin my sons Bday yet my Dad was in the hospital – I didn’t want my kids to think their Grandparents had blown off visiting them yet I didn’t want them to worry about Papa…My Dad ended up being ok (no residual paralysis ) but they are still doing tests etc..It was very traumatic for our whole family and made my son’s birthday sort of suck.. I felt so bad for him…

2. My old beloved cat is very ill – he has been in Hospital having all sorts of tests – Me and the kids drove down every day (it is quite far) and sat a vigil and visited him. He came home as the Vet is trying to figure out what to do with him – I guess his illness is so rare there are only 2 or 3 other documented cases of it so they don’t really know what to do…meanwhile he has this huge tumor cyst thing wrapped around his neck going into his chest making it hard to swallow ….they drained it providing some relief but it is just going to come back.. I so thought of you Jenny as I have spent a few nights sleeping on the floor next to my cat – crying – just loving him – I can’t bear the thought of losing him yet I wonder if he even knows how much we love him..

3. Did I mention we pulled my daughter out of her awful private school?? She was MISERABLE and now is in public. She is happy in public as there are no watching eyes to follow her every move but educationally we are very unhappy. While this is supposed to be a good school district (top 15 in state) it is no where near the level of her private school. My son said she is getting dumber every day…may be the case…

Ok – long back story – on to my CG. He is trying – trying to share his feelings, still going to CB therapy 2x a week, going to either SA or GA once a week. He has been good trying to share his feelings with me, buy me flowers, leave me love notes, etc. All good.
BUT – even though I love him (and I do but hate to admit it for that may give him power over me) I don’t know that any amount of therapy or sincerity on his part will make me ever trust him again. I am ALWAYS looking for the lie – always wondering when he goes out if he is *really* going where he says he is – I don’t know if you can lie to and abuse someone as much as he has lied to and abused me and expect them to trust you again. I don’t know if I ever can.

He has broken my trust and my heart too many times and I said to him “you can’t mean to tell me that for the rest of your days on this earth that you will never do anything really messed up again???” – he was silent – because of course he will! It may not be tomorrow or next week or 3 years from now, but I feel like it will happen. He is messed up. His therapy is helping him see his issues more clearly and he seems to have better insight but even being a therapist myself, I know that people only manage their issues, they don’t get rid of them completely. And I feel one day, he will majorly “mess up” again.

Now where does that leave me?? I don’t know….

My CG has 6 months sober from gambling – and from sex with me as well – He wants to be intimate again with me (which I am not opposed to in a recreational way ) but I don’t think I can actually sleep in the same bed with him anymore (we haven’t since August) because that is when he used to try and take advantage of me (when I was asleep). I told him I don’t think I can trust him next to me when I am sleeping- maybe ever – I am not sure if this is a deal breaker for him – and I feel scared it might be.

Because despite everything that has happened and everything he has done, I think back on the 20 years – 20 years! – we have been together and all the good times he have had. And since my Dad’s stroke I keep thinking if I would want to have my life without my CG – and I can’t really imagine my life without him. Even though I am so mad at him and hate him sometimes, we have so much history and have been through so much he is part of me – and I miss him when he’s not here…

I hope this doesn’t sound crazy. I hope you don’t judge me – I just am confused and trying to sort this all out – With my Dad almost dying and my beloved cat sort of dying currently, I have re-evaluated my feelings toward the people in my life, deciding who matters to me. And as f**ked up as my CG is, I still love him.

And Jenny – how many hours I have thought of you as i have slept next to my cat on the floor petting him, loving him. I wonder if he knows how much we love him and how we **and I **couldn’t bear to be without him….so much loss….

I am going to read some other posts and see how you all are doing – I hope you are all well and trying to care for yourselves – I am still trying to keep my boundaries with my CG – I don’t want to let him in but we need to try and rebuild something together – how do you do that???

much love