Ohhow your post seem to cut right to the core of things. I’ve certainly thought all of those questions myself. I’m afraid I don’t really have any answers because I think I am further away in recovery than you are. But I wanted you to know I can totally relate to what you were saying.
It’s hard to wonder why and not know the answer. It’s hard to feel like every step forward could be a step into a giant pot hole. And it’s hard to feel like when you’re looking back that you’ve made mistakes that you can’t recover from. All I can say is that all you can do is look forward and look to the future. And make the best choices you can. You can’t go back and fix anything. And as lots of other people have said (who are certainly wiser than me) your children will make their own decisions and choices and take things in the way that they need to. You need to do what’s best for you and not feel guilty about what happened. And at the same time not be worried about the next step forward because nobody is a fortune teller and nobody knows what’s going to happen. All you can do is be true to yourself, love yourself and try to do what’s in your heart. I hope this makes sense.
Know I am sending you lots of love and think about you often. More often than you can imagine. You have been such a help an inspiration to me that I know that you will get through this And even be in a better place than you were before. Know the truth is already in your heart and that you will be able to find it.
You are strong. You are brave. And you will get through this. Sending my love from far away.