Thank you for your lovely post –
I do lurk around and try and read others posts as often as I can – I don’t always have time to reply but I do try and follow and relate to all the experience that others have had.
You certainly have come a long way – and knowing how far you have come gives me hope. Every one’s situation is different but the threads are the same – I need support and courage to continue on – I have had darker periods in my life (my childhood) but not when I had control of my own life. Seeing everyone who has changed and grown stronger makes me think maybe I can do that too –
You are right about my CG – when he says something mean I always confront him about it – and he 99.9% of the time apologizes. Unfortunately this sets up the dynamic in our house of me always being right and him always being the messed up one. This makes him resent me even more and so this leads to his passive aggressive “f*ck you” behavior (the gambling, sex stuff, lying, etc).
I don’t know what will fix this but I know I need to protect myself and let him deal with his own problems. I realized recently that if he doesn’t put in effort with his kids that is HIS loss and there is nothing I can do to repair that relationship with his kids. I used to try and push him to do this, but I can’t. I can’t be mother and father. I just can’t. And while that breaks my heart (bc i didn’t really have a dad – long story) I didn’t ask for this. I never thought when I got married he would turn out like this.
I say all this to state that I have stopped blaming myself and stopped trying to fix his relationship with the kids. That is on him.
I used to blame myself for a lot of things – I wasn’t good enough, if I was only “better” things would be ok – Now I know its not my fault. I am a really good person who ALLOWED these things to happen to me –
Don’t get me wrong, I have a long, long, long way to go – but I feel better. Lighter.
Thank you for reading my thread, thank you for the support and thank you for being an inspiration for what CAN BE.
With much love,