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I think I’m onto something here … about getting emotionally tied into difficulty and challenge in and of itself (instead of difficulty–>approached correctly–>results). I feel it’s emotional and comes from that deeper wall of subconscious energy … the need and want to make things hard and be inside the emotional state of struggle …

I’m also aware that my language when I feel trapped in a gambling type situation/the urge to watch prices and increase bet qty etc. it seems to just dance around everything or make everything more convoluted than it actually is … to complicate things … like a psychological defense mechanism for myself … to go around doing the direct simple thing (Stop!) and replace it with lines of complexity … it becomes rationalized if the problem is complex …

I think I naturally sit heavy on the side of deeper/more intricate which can be good, but also not. I’ve been having the hardest time to just speaking out the words that I semi-relapsed and put on too much risk … all the complexity of language to myself and “what if it’s this, well it could be that” … like my personality responds to the compulsion with streams of complexity/solutions that dance around the point: too much risk. I get a sensation in my lower spine when it’s telling me to step back from something and wait a little longer.

I got that two days ago and ignored it when i shouldn’t have. I can feel and see how my thoughts become streams of rationalizations to dangle the carrot in front of my face and risk more … i think some complex explanations/complexity itself can be a defense for more raw and direct experiences inside me … none of the actions or words that spin out from them lead to actually reducing risk or guarding myself from it. They lead to distracting from and evading the pinpoint issue of anticipating to early, narrowing multiple scenarios to one, and upping risk too much.

My very best days are when I’m actually aligned with and acting on this perception of risk/scenarios. It feels right on a deeper level to acknowledge this inner mind game distortion of rationalization through spontaneous complexity and spontaneous creative “solutions” … it’s more like deliberately reaching for all the false solutions … deliberately reaching for everything that’s a dead end … avoidance of the bulls eye shot out of the room and deliberate make believe running into the walls of false solutions. The struggle in this sense becomes a script.