#4608
vera
Participant

Hi Bill and welcome to GT.
I hail from the “other side” of the GT Forum. I am a compulsive gambler and also the mother of a grown up family. I began playing slot machines approx. 18 years ago and became “hooked” very fast.
The problem with compulsive gambling, Bill is that the only time a CG will stop is when we want to or when we have to.
I gambled because I wanted to .
I stopped because I had to.
In my case I never really wanted to stop but I did stop. To add to the complexity of the issue, I always started again! The way this works , Bill (on a simple level) ,is that a CG builds up a fantasy that gambling is the only thing in the world that will make us happy. It starts with one thought , develops into a dream and before we know it we become a prisoner in an Illusionary World, which eventually becomes our Hell. (I speak from my own experience , but I will write in general terms because many other CGs describe similar situations). Of course a CG doesn’t realize that our world is hellish ; we refer to it as our “Comfort Zone” or our “Place to relax/chill out”, “Our Special World”. Sooner or later, Bill this world will come crashing down and then, ONLY then will a CG wake up to reality.
We need certain props to sustain our Illusionary existence.
In my case I relied on my salary, my own car, my own time , my loans ( which were many and frequent) and above all ENABLEMENT from my husband and my SON!!
Bail outs and secrecy are the recipe for disaster for both the CG and the people who prop up the Lifestyle, Bill. Without both, my gambling career would have quickly ground to a halt…………………….
As soon as you change your attitude towards your mom’s gambling ( from what you have posted , it seems you are changing), you will , indirectly be helping her to re structure her moves. Logic and addiction are diametrically opposed. What fuels gambling, is secrecy, manipulation, emotional blackmail, threats, promises (all false) and money. Attempting to apply logic to irrational issues causes turmoil CGs thrive on turmoil and chaos.
My suggestion would be to stop texting your mother. She will tie you up in guilt knots and confuse you to the point where you won’t know what to believe. I used texting at weak moments (work or the middle of the night) to catch enablers off guard to ensure I got my “evil way”. The “addict” you are dealing with right now Bill is not the woman who mothered and nourished you and to whom you owe respect and gratitude. This is a different woman A person with flawed thinking and reason who is merciless enough to drag her own son to the gutter to feed her gambling habit. Very sad, but true. You owe this stranger nothing!
You do , however owe yourself protection from her behaviour and perhaps you owe your dad some support. My advice to you is to call a family meeting. A sort of “Intervention”, if you like. Calming state your position as you have done in your above posts. Tell everyone present that from now on YOU will be doing things differently i.e, NEVER lending money again to ether your dad or mam and that you refuse to keep secrets. Keep it short . No threats. No anger. Just facts.
IF ONLY (but there are no “if onlies”) my son or husband had had the courage to do what you are doing now Bill , it would have saved everyone a lot of heartache and expense.
Yes, ONLY the CG can help her/him self when we decide to stop gambling, but the actions of loved ones sure can bring things to a head sooner rather than later.
Words , written or spoken , mean little to a CG.
Action is what counts.
Best wishes with YOUR recovery Bill
One day at a time.