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#49890
TF
Participant

Hi Steev 

Thank you for taking the time to post, you are of course right. Part of the problem is that I’ve started to believe my own bs. When I first got caught about 6 years ago, I had lost £30k in one night following an argument with my wife- all credit card so we nearly lost the house if it wasn’t for a personal loan from my sister in law. My main salary goes into my wife’s  account now and I have a small monthly payment transferred every month to cover my direct debits. At the moment my credit is still bad for any major loans but Im afraid one of these lenders will say yes one day because on paper, the numbers stack up. I’ve wanted to tell her but because I hurt her and my daughter so bad the first time round I always chicken out, since they don’t understand it’s a disease they think it’s a conscious decision to gamble and at some level they are right too you can’t stop until you take responsibility for your actions, implementing the curfews and the other steps you mention that I need to take. At the moment  I have to admit I’ve lost that rationality and responsibility and I don’t know why. I set up responsible limits on one gambling site and no sooner have I’ve reached  that limit, I’m opening up another account. There lies the stupidity of it. Taking your allergy analogy, when I’m winning, I like the thrill when I win , it’s holding to my gains  which I have a problem with, and there’s  a part of me that wants an antihistamine that I can take that will allow me to stuff my face with lobster even though normally it would cause me serious health issues- as an example. But for me that scenario doesn’t exist- I can’t gamble responsibly- it might  appear so on one or two sessions but mr self-sabotage always appears, it’s just a matter of time. I think that once upon a time I would have told myself stop the self pitying and get on with giving up and just need to find my mojo back before it’s too late. Maybe your post is what I needed to hear, and the answers probably lie within this page I’ve obviously need to face up to the harsh reality of these demons and take the first committed steps to recover. Thanks again for taking the time to post .

regards

TF