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Feeling a little more optimistic as the days are passing me by, which is strange considering I am awaiting dates for a couple of pretty serious operations. As i’ve mentioned before, I had a pretty nasty car accident in February 2014 (not my fault) and as a result my ankles are pretty messed up. So the upshot is that I need each ankle repairing and metal pins put in place. They’re going to operate on one at a time and leave about a six month gap in between, just waiting for a date for the first one, should be within the next 6 weeks.

Whilst i’m obviously apprehensive about the actual operations, i’m actually looking forward to the fact that i’ll be in different casts for 9 weeks following. This will mean that I have a good 2 months of relaxing and rehabilitation, as well as two months where i’ll barely be spending any money!! I haven’t had that much time away from my office for 10 years! Excellent. Of course i’ll need to make sure that the barriers I have in place are watertight – i’m an onliner so being at home and potentially a little bored for such a long time could involve unprecedented amounts of damage. But I am working hard to make sure there is absolutely no way I will let that happen. I’ve got Netflix at home so I am planning on getting stuck into a good drama series.

Had a lovely chat with the fella last night. He came round to see me at my parents house for a couple of hours and bought Krispy Kreme doughnuts with him!! Naughty boy. so we had a cup of tea and shared the sugary snacks whilst talking about all the decorating we’d like to do in his house when I move in after Christmas. It was so nice to have a normal adult conversation and actually get rather excited about colour schemes and furniture styles. 7 months and counting – I can do a fair amount to dent the masses of bills before then. I have done the sums and it is totally achievable. As long as and only if – I do not gamble!

I still very much miss spinning those reels though (last spin was 01.06.15 so we’re on day 9). Whilst my reasoning (in my head) was always to try and “win back” my losses to pay towards debt, there was definitely a part of my brain that thrived on the rollercoaster of emotions that I would ride for hours on end. I certainly do not miss the aftermath of depression and self loathing though. The pounding heart, sweaty palms and headaches. The nights sat up in my bedroom til 3am with the lights off. I really don’t want to be back in that place, I have so very much to look forward to if I can just focus on the real life that is staring me in the face right now and the the online cyber life where I win millions in jackpots and live in a mansion.

Thing is, if I can stay on the right track of recovery, there’s no reason why I can’t make my own very real fairytale. I have all the ingredients for a happy, comfortable life with my amazing chap. Just gotta keep remembering that every time I feel an urge to feed the addiction. I cannot win because I cannot stop. Ultimately, no good can ever come from those spins.