Dear Vera and Velvet – thank you both for taking the time to write me – I really lifts me up to know others UNDERSTAND what is going on…
Vera- I did think about your post alot and did take some time to myself with girlfriends and just setting limits with my kids – I try to be “everything to everyone” (a favorite son of mine by Everclear!) and you know that doesn’t work. Just wears me out.
I am being more conscious of carving out those times for me, to just be happy.

After I read your post I was sad – I am trying to figure out why – I guess partially because you are right – right that I feel like ” it happened, just because I trusted” that somehow my trust allowed him to get away with what he got away with for so long. My trust made it possible for him to deceive me – so somehow it is my trusting’s fault..if that makes any sense. I feel dumb and bad that I trusted him. Logically I know it’s not my “fault” but I somehow feel duped by him, his addiction. Every time I look at a picture of us in the past I think “oh, that is when he was lying to me” like this addiction has destroyed all my happy memories..I look at his smiling face in the picture and think “he was deceiving me right then! How could he do that???” That makes me sad…
I also think I am sad bc your post reminded me of all that is – Luckily for me, my CG has been away on business for a few days and its been great to not have him here. To not be reminded of all that is broken in my life. Your post reminded me but I guess its just as well since he gets back tonight. It was nice not to think about it for a while…really nice…
What have I done for myself today? I don’t know..I guess I reminded myself that everything has a time limit – for everyone – not just me. Kids grow up, people move into different phases of their life and no matter how much we dont want it, everything changes..some how that gave me comfort. I guess to be in the moment – appreciate the time with my kids instead of looking at it as a grind, appreciating the fall leaves and color, before the cold winter..it’s the season, turn turn turn…
I don’t know how I’ll be when he returns tonight – I wish he was gone longer – And I will try and make the groups if I can – I think those times are not good for me here, EST.

Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers – I do believe they help even though I am not religious – we are all connected…please continue to keep me in mind in the Serenity circle

More later..
Much love,