FIrst, I wanted to say that when I was on here last time, I read through San’s posts. I was going to say something, but sometimes I start freezing up even after I’ve written something out. And at first I felt like maybe there were a lot of differences, but as I read on in her posts, I saw where there were some areas where I could really relate and also learn from her. I liked, especially, what I read on the Conscious parenting, LOL. I wanted so much to be a good wife and mom and one of my first pictures with my oldest daughters is my giving her a “sponge bath”, with my reference book propped up by my side to make sure I was doing it right! But U have saved the links ’cause I want to learn more; I have learned some about the links between certain personality disorders and PG, or other often related pathogy. I’ve also been surprised to learn that many have PTSD; I had read that many members of the U.S. military were getting dishonorable discharges when their (misdiagnosed as something else first) PTSD showed up as “troublesome behavior”.
I guess the first thing that REALLY made me feel more in tune with San was when she wrote about her mother-in-law (ex, I think). I can remember with mine, being literally screamed at once and accused of trying to seduce HER husband. All that came about as a result of my getting a phone call from the hospital where he’d been admitted, the staff asked if I would come in and sit with him as he was agitated. I “forgot” to get permission from MIL FIRST … as I was apparently skulking around, just waiting for opportunity. I can remember that was one of those times (as I recognize now) I went into emotional shock. NOBODY had ever treated me like that before and made such baseless accusations, besides. I never got an apology, ex never stood up against his mother’s behavior, either. And though that is one of the most memorable events (as I do recognize she must have totally lost control of herself … or maybe not), there were others and as I learned, a lot of problem people like to hide in the shadows; they will never perform like that in public. I also heard plenty on the perfections (?) of her son … more or less though, I heard so much on how “he couldn’t handle the stress” … I actually believe that, now … but I attribute it more to his being babied and never encouraged to “be a man”.
Over the years, I came to realize that he put on a show for his parents, so that the conditional love tied to inheritance would be his. More sadly, though, I realized that since he was not encouraged to be genuine, he was almost always putting on a show – for me, for our children, for the police and mental health providers. I went into therapy, wondering why I could “be so blessed” but also so tired and not “satisfied”. Well, I did realize shortly into therapy (within a year) that I was EXPECTED to shoulder my responsibilities, whatever he “couldn’t” handle and accomodate others (what they couldn’t handle) and there was no encouragement to me, there was no realization that I am a human, with finite strengths and a NEED to be able to relax, express and grow.
I can remember before things got bad that I started looking at us, as a couple, and feeling like I was married to Peter Pan … and that we were nothing more than a couple of over-age adolescents, playing at marriage within the parameters ALLOWED by his parents. At one point, his mother told me directly that I was EXPECTED to “support” her son until his death … apparently, I made some pact that I was not given to read or agree to, it was going to be demanded of me.
I don’t have a lot of time to do so, but once in a while, I wonder what mental gymnastics are required to absolve her son of responsibility … he ran away, he had an affair, he refused to do the right thing by our children and me. Likely, it’s not much. When the house was sold recently in what is (obvious to me) fraud, the cousins of my daughters told them, via FB, that if they claimed to have “lost something” etc, they were going to be put in the same “book” as their mother (me). I’m a POS because I refused to go along with the family script … and the worst part (this time) is that I couldn’t leave and wasn’t even allowed to, until it’s to the point where “the judge kicks me out with nothing”.
I have a hard time seeing PG as “illness” because of the fact that I have been so terrorized and even broken down, and been forced to watch my daughters go through similar. I even learned, over time, that my presence and availability as “whipping boy” saved the children from being exposed so much, so it was a strong motivator to my returning. I would never have left, had I known that he had a major problem and I knew (after getting better and realizing I never WAS crazy, just wounded) that as an adult, I was likely to be be much better equipped to handle all this.
I appreciated San’s writing too because KNOWING what my daughters have been through and what we are all trying to get through … and so unfair, so wrong … it would be easy for me, even unwittingly, to go the wrong way and over-baby or overcompensate for what has happened. Like with my daughter not being able to pay all her rent; her father scared her out of the house last summer to further his own schemes. Having myself gone through a breakdown and knowing some of the (hidden) tactics, I can’t blame her … any more than be surprised that my reassurances from the sheriff’s department didn’t soothe my oldest … she packed up her car and left for 14 hours, just in case the police came … and this due to her uncle buying the house? How many young adult ladies go through such? I’ve helped to make sure she doesn’t end on the street; she is a student and so works part time, gets some aid but the situation has forced her to also take on loans JUST to pay living expenses. And as it was, she could have remained this past year … but I am sure that had to do with his keeping out of trouble in Court, as how could I pay all the rest of the expenses for her to live while her father refused ONE: the roof overhead. I’ve told her that while she is in school, she may live with me; I won’t expect a half contribution, but some as is appropriate. And I have told her that she can choose to remain on her own/have roommate, but is unlikely I will be able to give much more help, as I have all financial woes to figure out, too.
So still learning and still trying to keep in mind what is important to remember. I’m hated because I was willing to support and encourage recovery, but NOT be enabler … I know that would have killed me, literally or figuratively, in the end. I also haven’t been willing to put on a happy face to the world and pretend … all is hunky dory.
I have to go back to Court Friday … twice. One for a credit card bill I have no way to pay (over a year, now) and though I went to Consumer Credit Counselors and also tried explaining and trying to get creditors understanding, I had to give up because the late charges and interest, plus getting more expenses dumped while all Court orders for payment violated … and then go back in the afternoon regarding the eviction. Trying to muddle through this, when there is VERY little understanding on the part of people in the system. I did learn New York has one gambling Court, however. And found a whole list of people who study PG, so maybe some additional resources etc to be found. Very painful to see the relatives of the PG gang up and give us the consequences we didn’t earn, though.
BUT, I finally received an e-mail from the assistant to my state legislative representative, who finally acknowledges I have a “very unique” problem. I’ve been persistent, having figured out my major problem in seeing the divorce settlement orders carried out, has been that I have had NO standing. I’m not a “former owner” b/c of the quit claim, so I was refused a meeting in the foreclosure, which ex NEVER responded ONCE to … as I realized after the stress of that Court action was through … and despite his numerous filings and attorney letters … he wanted the house he wanted to KEEP the house. He could pay for the house, on and on. Plus, I realized that it must be pretty unusual for someone to rent a PO Box and not change their address, if they think they are NEVER returning there …
And finally, I’ve come to realize, as I was looking at mortgage papers recently (I made a $10k payment to the mortgage AFTER the quit claim AND there is a copy of the check and receipt in our previous divorce file), he may have his name on all, but I am the only one who has paid it down … he has used it as a piggy bank … that really should give me some standing, as the same loan officer, in a small company, has dealt with all … I asked him for a letter after the divorce was filed, because it was represented to him AND me that we were doing this together, but went with just one name on the mortgage because the interest rate was better. SUPPOSEDLY, we were going to change the deed. The loan officer refused …
At least someone “official” finally admits that yes, I am “up against the wall”. Yay!! I’m so glad Jennie (I hope I am remembering right – yay! I was) that you encouraged me NOT to give up. This has been so hard; one thing that keeps me going is that (faith, please no offense meant to any) I figure I can’t be the only one going through similar … and God is allowing it for a purpose … and my intelligence and sometimes articulate statement and writing might be a reason … to be able to bring a little more out, or at least to someone with the influence/power and character to realize how wrong, that family members can be destroyed, so to speak, and sometimes only because they had no reasons to mistrust or suspect, particularly as the plethora of gambling opportunities has exploded over the past two decades or so … while the knowledge and research has not only lagged, but remained almost as well hidden as the problem.
So thank you all for your continued and past encouragement. Still very tired and anxious, but knowing there are better days.
And I may not comment, or too much, on others’ posts for now, but I decided I will read at least one through each time so I can at least know who is who and “what is what” to an extent.
And if anyone had the fortitude to make it through all I wrote, can I just ask whether people ever start a new personal thread, like if there is a major change? Or just go through on the same one? I am not sure on that, and it may be written somewhere, if so please forgive as I normally haven’t had time or energy to do all that needs done on the normal stuff- yikes! Hugs to all and a wish for peace inside!