1st December 2015
Dear diary,
After staying total abstinence from acting out in all form of addiction for 6 months, I started to experience the freedom from the bondage of addiction and slavery to money.
In the beginning, I experiences freedom from the bondage of addiction, debts, mental anguish. Later, I felt the freedom from the imprisonment of poverty and freedom to go anywhere I want and buy anything I need.
But if I return to compulsive gambling and lose all my money
I will first lose my freedom to go anywhere and buy anything I want, I will be imprison by poverty again, there will be many many things I cannot do because I am broke, this feeling was not good.
Had I lost my future pay to gambling every time it is due, I will definitely regret my selfish actions and beat myself up.
If I continue to have recurrent thoughts to gambles and loses all control to stop and become compulsive, I am in trouble. I would have lost all my freedom and come under the control of gambling.
I will need to continue gambling even if it is doing me harm. I would continue until I lost all my pay. When that happens, I will need to borrow to feed my addiction. I need to borrow to gamble and I start to go into debt – the debts will grow and can only become bigger until it become unmanageable unless I stop.
The huge stress, feeling of depression, anger, mental pain and suffering replaces all my freedom.
I need to be very vigilant and protect this freedom. It is too risky to be complacent, the price one pay is too heavy.
I realized many times in the past when I sober up and see the destruction & damage done, it was too late. I am capable of gambling and losing everything away and throwing everything important to me away. I can lose my freedom if I don’t treasure them.
The truth – it was self-inflicted
I was too complacent, I belittled the value and important of freedom
The value of freedom is priceless !!!
it was better to do a reality check now before it is too late!