Good morning Nomore,
Just read your post hoping in the next month you’ll be closer to the answers you seek. I think it is great that you are looking to find what makes you connect to anger, sadness and despair as you seem so unhappy about your life and situation. No one should feel they are waiting for their life to be over. Life truly is a gift and I do hope you will feel the same way one day.
There are parts that you have written that remind me of a dear friend I have. She prefers to think than feel, like you and is always looking at facts when making a decision. It is like her heart can’t be trusted and I have often mentioned this, but she does not want to hear it and says that is how she is. I have always respected that about her because she truly is a unique person (an artist) and I have often believed she is just misunderstood by many. And somehow this has contributed to her unhappiness; it hasn’t been until recently that we talked about our childhoods. She knows of the struggles I had with my cg father and I am beginning to know hers, the one she has guarded for many years.
She lost her mother at a young age; she was never told that her mother passed. It was always said that her mother was away and I believe this did more damage to her than just telling her the truth. She missed her mother terribly and because her father worked so much she was passed to aunts that were mean to her. She cried for hours and so did I. She believed that her mother left her and didn’t love her. She carried believing the lie she thought was the truth. I have seen a change in her and she is not as frigid and cold about her feelings; there now seems to be a lighter side of her coming out one that has her smiling more than I have ever seen her. Maybe this will also happen to you. I do hope there is something within you that will come out and you will be free of the chains that hold your happiness prisoner.
In regards to your husband when you married him 30 years ago, you were marrying the man you thought he was. I don’t think it is fair to yourself to say that it was the worst mistake of your life. You had no idea what he was hiding. I would take that guilt and throw it to the garbage. It is not your fault and I believe if you just let go of this you will be better off. It is like you are punishing yourself; you could have not prevented this.
You are who you because that is how it is, and as life passes we will always have hiccups along the way as well as moments of pure joy and love. It is a gift that you can express how you are feeling and are seeking answers to change your life around. I know your daughter would want to know that her mother is truly happy.
Thinking of you,