We all relate to your story and know that we must stop the one thing that we never thought could cause such damage to us , those we love and to the life we live verses the life we want to live.. We all find reasons as to why we start gambling and try to unravel those reasons in an effort to stop the madness. The thing is I think, its the “feel good” that we felt when we innocently walked in those first few times. We chased it thinking it would always be there. Wrong!!!! Nothing worth having comes that easily. We work hard for everything else in life and we would never act so carelessly for what s important in life. We are never so irresponsible with decissions that affect our families well being . If we stop giving in to the compulsion we will be able to be the people we truly are.
I see the connection between that young boy (14 year old you) and the draw that made you feel good when you were feeling so bad. It was the first time you felt in control and able to turn those feelings around. No matter what you believe you must dig deep into healing that 14 boy and give yourself a chance to know the wonderful man that is now full grown.
Change can often come if we focus on the need of others as well. Your small children can be that focus.
Look into the basic ways you stopped yourself in the past from going and implement them. Put all those barriers in place. I know giving up control is very difficult but essential. Depend on your partner for support through your honesty and vulnerability. Give her the facts and teach her to know the pitfalls you face each and every day.
Love yourself enough to regain your ability to fight as hard as you can to remain gamble free. Mistakes will be made but the damage can be curbed and you can always move beyond the mistakes to keep moving ahead.
There are no judgements here and we all need to listen to the things we say to each other and to our selves.
Keep up the good fight and keep posting ok FG
