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Dear diary
I feel that I am in the grey area now, I don’t like it one bit but I try to look at it positively because it may be an opportunity for me to work on my blind spot in recovery and grow or it may be a sign of danger because I can back slide into darkness.
My only contact with recovering people and meetings now is online. Gambling Therapy is my lifeline.
It’s been almost 2 months now, I have stop attending meetings at One Hope Center, Blessed Grace Church and We Care Community Services and the hospital.
I never like any changes in my life and I immediately met my first setback on 9 April 2016 when I sought relieve from Alcohol. It was bad that this has happen but it may be good because It forces me to return to day one in recovery.
I was experiencing the teaching below when I suddenly see myself struggling with alcohol, slot machine, sports betting and pornography.
Mathew 12:43-45
An Unclean Spirit Returns
43When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it passes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ On its arrival, it finds the house vacant, swept clean and put in order. 45Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in and dwell there; and the final plight of that man is worse than the first.
My turning point in recovery happen recently about 3 years ago, when I learn the teaching below and started practicing it. I was actually rewiring my brain thru repetitive behaviours by consciously denying my selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways thru alcohol, slot machine and sports betting. It was difficult in the beginning but things become easier later. My life really see changes.
Mathew 16:24
Take Up Your Cross
23But Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me Satan! You are a stumbling block to Me. For you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.” 24Then Jesus told His disciples, “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. 25For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
My blind spots
I have more rest now and coping better at work because I am not spending so much time traveling and attending support group meetings on so many days in a week.
I have more free time to myself, but when I isolate myself in my room for too long, I was prone and have the tendency to make the biggest mistake in recovery in the name of entertainment and killing time. Charles from GT will say that I shouldn’t be teasing my brain, I did that by watching youtube clip on slot machines and pornography online, they are both alike, when I start watching it, I will want more, I ended up spending more time than I should watching them, there are times I cannot stop, there are times I wish I was doing the real thing. I love sports, I was also looking at the gambling odds offered by sports betting online, I will guess and predict the results, there are times I was so confident, more like false confident because many times, the result was wrong in the end but my thoughts sounded so real so deceiving and so convincing, that it feel like a sure win and there was no way I could lose this, I must do it that I was tempted to go ahead to place the bet.
I am living in the grey area now, it is no good but I am positive about it, my blind spots stood out visibly and strong like a nail, and increase my awareness and mindfulness for I cannot heal something that is not there.
Of cause I wish to be back in an environment where it is easier and effortless for me to do the right things but then I wouldn’t be able to see my problem.
The focus this year seem to be a little different from the last 3. I am no more in my comfort zone. I have to be more responsible for my own recovery, my circumstances now forces me to be less reliance on other recovering people, meetings and things.
When I am ready, I will move to Step Two.
I am not alone, my Higher Power is with me otherwise I would have a full blown relapse and hit rock bottom.