Thank you to Velvet for your support. And Adele – I was truly touched by your post. You are of course not inadequate to reply to all my issues – we all in some ways are going thru the same thing, to different extents. I also feel that since the new site opened people have been dropping off – sometimes I think I am posting to the nether-world and that no one hears me..that is sad. I am happy when I see someone saw my post and knows I am still here….
How am I doing? Well, my foot is better, but I am still sad. I resonate with something you said about empathy fatigue and feeling empty-ish inside. For the 1st time in my marriage (20 years) I don’t know if I love my husband anymore…I feel sort of numb inside. Now I don’t know if that is because all the trauma we have been thru, how I don’t know if or when Ill ever be able to trust him, or if I just plain don’t love him anymore. I even told him I found myself wishing I could meet someone else. That is horrible I guess, but I look around and see other people and imagine that they don’t carry the huge burden that my husband does….I am not sure what to do with all of these feelings…
My husband has been trying hard and seems to be more connected to feeling empathy for me – but most nights its rush rush rush with the kids, then by the time it is 1030, 11pm he walks off to “his” bedroom, saying “goodnight”. Most of our conversations are housekeeping – who is taking what kid where and when, etc…. We are almost like strangers now…I feel sad but dont know what to do. He is in therapy 3x a week, goes to meetings semi-regularily (although he says they dont help him). I think we would benefit from couples counseling but honestly i feel burnt out from all our YEARS of counseling and dont know if I have it in me to start over and tell our story again….I also could benefit to talk to someone but wasn’t thrilled with my last therapist and dont have the energy to look for another one.
The other thing I notice is I have no patience – I snap at my kids all the time! I hate it! I guess I am frustrated bc I am so unhappy – I feel like I spend every waking moment doing something for someone else *something I hate* – even when I work out (which is often for hours) I feel like it is not for me – I do it because I HAVE to (so Im not fat), not because I want to. I dont want to be this impatient unhappy person – but my life seems like such a burden now – hours and hours, days and days of just enduring – no wonder all I want to do is sleep.
Thank you Adele for the kind words – but I am not sure how “strong” I am – I am not sure I am worthy of your praise. – maybe I am just stupid – stupid to stay with this man after all he has done to me, stupid to believe him over and over just for him to lie to me again, maybe I am just stupid and weak….and that is a horrible sad thought…
Well, better run. Kid #3 waiting. Adele I hope you are caring for yourself during the time of your husbands convalescing – it is SO easy to get caught up in taking care of someone else…
I do feel better when i post – I feel even better knowing someone *out there* hears me….
Thank you to all my GT friends – you have no idea how important your support is in my life.