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Hi TF firstly thankyou for your support and honesty , I know you’re feeling if self loathing and self pity so much, I really do hope this is the start of the end for you and we can support each other to really kick this habit for good. My days are long and hard without gambling but I keep remind myself everytime I leave the house just how much harder it is when i lose £500 in 30 minutes then have to sit around the family table eating tea and cracking jokes and appearing as if everything is ok but not knowing how I’m going to fill the tank up to get to work. I’ve hit rock bottom hundreds of times, I just hope you can avoid the bookies when you next have money also and can draw on these feelings, when I was skint it was always the last time until I came into money again and I would repeat the cycle trying to chase , 2 weeks before I started my journal I built upto £1700 from a £30 deposit and felt invincible the money would have sorted a few problems for me I spend it in my head over and over on what I could pay off but I never hit withdraw i kept saying one more gamble one more gamble I lost the lot in a toilet cubicle whilst out socialising I remember returning to the group and it was like everything was in slow motion I couldn’t believe yet again what I had done and the plans I had made , the worse thing is that didn’t stop me it was 2 weeks later when my story began as I stated above.

We really need to do this , my fear and drive of relapsing is totally keeping me going i could relapse right this minute if it was upto my brain, but the fear of coming this far and receiving all these comments and the trust my dad has placed in me is spurring me on, if I was to relapse I would have no where else to turn and would self destruct as I see this as my escape and my sanctuary if I mess it up this time i wouldn’t be able to start over I would go another 16 years through this same horrible cycle. 

We can certainly help each other it’s a must but we also have to help ourselves. We must remember ourselves at our lowest , we may relapse and win a big win and feel invincible as I did often but remember this feeling right here right now and it would come back around no doubt and worse.

The cravings and desperation to feel the hit one more time scares me daily there there almost every day currently . But let’s smash this and let’s enjoy not just a 5 minute high from a win , but enjoy every day. 

Hope you are well and I look forward to hearing how you are getting on.