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MurrS7 you already sound so much better after 23 days. It is clear that focusing your time and energy on your work, health and business has put things into perspective for you. Congratulations on finding new clients. I wish that your business goes from strength to strength. You sound so much stronger and focused and your energy and efforts will surely lead to good results.

I understand about the regret and falling into the thoughts of past losses. Not a day that goes by that I don’t think of what I did on the 9th May. Sometimes wishing I was back there and somehow stopping myself at the point I had lost all control. But gambling controls us, we do not control gambling (Allen Carr) and I wish I had known then what I know now. The odds were against me and it was foolish to think that gambling was a source of income.

I am ashamed to admit that have gambled since that day. Again and again and have reached a point where my much smaller bank balance will not allow me to gamble anymore (my husband would kill me if he finds a lower balance than the one I am at now) The dangers of chasing losses and digging oneself into a bigger hole of numbness and pain. I guess the casinos know that the pattern of loss and ‘gain’ will only make a person repeat the behaviour to restore what they previously had. Though the insidiousness of the repeated losses (as we do only end up losing more and more) makes them all the more cruel and heartless.

I am at a point now where I have had enough. I spent today accounting for my losses and calculating my future wages and extra income here and there. I can get back to where I was by December and I plan to never look back. I am blocked on all the sites I used and both my bank cards are now with my husband. I have emptied one bank account (the one I used to fund the online casinos) and have only 140 pounds for the odd purchase. Barriers are my only way of surviving this destructive habit.

I booked a holiday to Naples on the 24th June for a week with my family and then a day trip to Paris with my friend (my former home) on 31st July. I am planning to treat myself to a Chanel handbag to stop myself from giving that money to the casinos. Hey what is 1000 pounds compared to 2-6k in one game session! Scary to imagine and hard to admit. I am also looking for tickets to New York and Forida for xmas and new year with my in-laws. I guess making plans and looking forward to things is helping me focus less on the online casinos. It also allows me to begin to value the money I previously just threw at the slots (in my case between 500-600 a spin).

I felt optimistic today and more in control of my finances. I felt guilt free paying for my holidays and relieved that the casinos wouldn’t get a penny of that money.

MurrS7 you are still young and have so much time to get back what they took from you. One day we will both look back with a healthier bank balance and more earning potential and it will seem like a distant memory. We will never look back or give it any brain space. We are better than that. We deserve better

Well done for getting to 25 days GF. I am confident there are many many more of those to come.