#2179
ell
Participant

Hello
My update …
Eventually every day is different from yesterday. My mind matures every day from the addiction and I catch myself to reconsider many things. (From the good side) Things that was so important for me on year ago ..Today is not .But I had to pass through all… the chapters and grow up like a baby.
Why im writing this? What happened ?
Is because today I read all my posts from the first day I wrote here. I read my story. I had not read my thread until now.
Why I did that?
I don’t know. I just felt the need.
My cg is gamble free. He has his counselor every week. He is gamble free from the day he said it. His behavior is mature now he is free from many things. He works a lot. He is in the family with me and our baby . He is accountable now . But he had the power to pass over the addiction and stand up .
If you ask me if he was difficult for him ? I will say to you what he said to me :
“””No it is not difficult in my mind to handle not gamble again and im proving to myself every day . I m free until now and I will try to be for my rest of my life. I know what is right and wrong. No it is not difficult to understand a counselor telling me my wrong things with my behavior and just give the solution .I can listen . I did a big mistake with the gamble and i hurt you but I know that this is past for me. The difficult thing for me is not the gamble but to earn your trust again .i m here and always be here . Im not a “nothing” I know what I did now, im sorry , im here with all my energy and with acts that you can see . But im not going to be in my all life from now on answerable from everything wrong …. The day that the debts will finish will come and I want to be together with piece . The hard things in my life is not the gamble for me even you can not believe it The hard thing for me is to earn you trust again . The sock that you gave me and your attitude was the key. But now I need to let my self free.”””
Velvet if you can see it , im very happy and proud inside me(not outside) because he is the man I know now . He is strong now with confidence and of course he has all the knowledge to protect himself . From the first day he believed that he was a “nothing “ and now after all the kilometers he respect him self .
I know that he still is more immature and I know that there a lot of things that he can not realize or understand that I did or still do for a purpose .we are still in progresss…. He now is more accountable and he has his confidence and his acts are right .
As for me .. im a little tired . The But and the if is in a box in my mind. I don’t know if ever will go but I try to keep it in there. And of course im trying to let myself a little free and trust again.
The difficult for me is that I want a good healthy relationship not something in the middle. I think that someday I will be totally free.
With all my love ell