#2189
ell
Participant

Hello all my friends
Hello velvet ….
I missed you. I read the forums not every day but I know I was up sent from writing …well I know that other friends here are now in difficult paths with the addictions and need help from the site that is so ashamed for me to write when everything goes fine..
My update?
Well I suppose that if someone read that my cg is ok free, he is in his family totally , working, accountable , loving with me and his child, he is still going to the counselor someone will think that :
Ok el what else you want ??? Don’t be so hard …he is doing great and he is with you , he is trying so hard with me to manage all the wrongs things the addiction gave us.. (Debts-wrong behaviors)
Well velvet I’m happy for that, I really am …and I love him and I know that he loves me too …
Our last 3month period were running with my daughters health, she has problem with her thyroid and with cholesterol and triglycerides on high levels. She is so small but is hereditary. We are with good doctors and trying pills diets etc.
My work ….well I’m so so tired, I’m in the red. I’m here from 10:00 until 23:00 every day and weekend .nothing change with my work, I’m running and have no other option. But the good thing is that I can see a light from all that work, I can see that the crises here will end. Need patience.
As for me, I feel tired but I don’t ever give up I still try.
The problem is deep deep inside me
But deep inside me I cannot be totally free velvet . When I go to bed and only that time every night I keep wondering what if he gambles again what if he takes money without knowing? And from the other side I m thinking that I don’t want to know if he gambles or takes money I don’t want to know anything. That is why I’m not searching anything. I have all the bank accounts I’m giving him all the money he needs every day I see the receipts in the kitchen without asking for them. But I cannot calculate the receipts or see if he is say lies . I canot do it and I don’t want to do it . we decide together what we must pay or how we split the money . He just doesn’t have the pin for the accounts That is why I have all the if thoughts . Because now I’m not searching him . I don’t know if he will search something in the internet in his work I don’t know anything . We don’t talk about this .He doesn’t deserve when he is doing ok all the time speak for the addiction. Sometimes I look at him and ask him if we are still together in the same path and if he needs something to tell me but his answer is “ im not playing that is over and hope someday all the trauma will leave . Im here and trying my best . He is working so much and the money he brings are double from the 2 jobs and he feels so good because the debts are smaller now and he can dream what would you like to do after the debts finish ? an he is so optimistic … but he is so tired too. I can see it and he can see me how tired I am
Now for the summer we said 15 days to take a break and go to our village for relax . nothing special , a little home bat with sea for the kid . And we were tring to finish the days and august go away , And yesterday we found out that a work came and we must be here all the summer with no no break. and I know that I will look inside me and the find the power to move on . But I need break …3 years in the same program every day is difficult. Anyway I don’t want to be pessimistic
The only thing I want is to be inside me totally free and of course inside me I want to be fair with my cg .
I know that outside im totally fair with my behavior, but I want me secrets thoughts to be free from the addiction and not unfair for him . I can not manage my thaughts. I don’t know if velvet you can understand me maybe im not write so well . In my thoughts I ask myself :”well ell when you will give him the pin and his account ? never? He is not asking you for nothing when you will give him trust .?never? He needs to see that you trust now . I cannot answer the questions deep inside me .
I will write soon
My wish is all of us we try and struggle with the addiction to have power and strength to move on .
With all my love
Ell