It is good to hear from you, Ell. But I am very struck by the sheer hard work you and you husband have been doing for so long and I feel the exhaustion in your post.
Is there any way you can postpone the extra work and give yourselves the break/holiday you seem to need? No one can work all the time at this level. We make better decisions and work better, if we have times away from work and times to relax and do something completely different and restful. I don’t know all the details, but I just want to say, I really hope you can get a break, because I think you are both so tired now.
When someone has an addiction, life is never what it was before the addiction took hold. It can be better, but it is not the same. Your mind cannot be the same, your trust cannot be the same. I wonder if you are pushing yourself too hard? Are you trying to be perfect on the inside and the outside? If you are supporting your husband and discussing financial decisions with him and living in peace together, you have made tremendous progress. I wonder if it is possible just to be more tolerant of your own ‘inner doubts’ – just acknowledge they are there, that they are natural because of where you have been and they may change one day, but don’t try to force it. Also, it is good to be always a bit vigilant, when there has been active addiction in your family.
Maybe you long to be able to let your husband take the financial leadership; it might feel good if you could let go of it a bit – but perhaps this is not the right thing for your family and, if possible, it is better not to expect it. Maybe try to dwell on what you DO have and your achievements, rather than what is not possible for you.
I know it is difficult; you have had – and still have – such a big struggle, but sometimes acceptance is the key to feeling more content.
I hope this makes sense to you and does not sound critical. I really feel for you in your struggles, inside and outside and I want you to have a holiday and more time to relax. But I also want you to be at peace, even when things do not seem complete.
Thinking of you.