I would like to add my welcome to you. I am so glad you have received a lot of really useful posts and information here already.
I think it sounds like you have given a lot of thought to what it means to have a cg partner and you were strong enough and wise enough to take positive decisions and actions, in spite of the shock and pain you must have experienced.
I was struck by your comments (echoed by Madge) that you feel bad about controlling the money, given that it is your husband who is the bread-winner and you are the stay at home mother and wife. I want to say strongly that being a mother is an important (though often undervalued) ‘job’, even if there is no salary from outside attached to it. Of course you know that, but your confidence about this part of your life can be eroded, even without the addiction in the family and probably more so because of it. Can you tell yourself that you are a hard-working and valuable member of the family team and you too deserve the earnings that come in? I am sure that the ‘father behind the addiction’ knows deep down that you are vital right now in the protection of the family – he would want his children to be protected, even if his addiction clouds his judgement at times. Does that all make some sense?
You also ask about whether you should just keep some money available for him – an amount you can ‘afford to lose’. This is a difficult one – you say that would give rise to a more peaceful home. I am sure you have already thought carefully about this. I know someone managing the salary of a cg ‘at long-distance’, so he cannot know for sure how every penny is spent, but only small amounts of money are transferred online at any one time. But that is a situation where the ‘manager of funds’ does not live with the cg and the cg is not responsible for a family. Do you think you might start with a small fund and find yourself ‘pressured’ into giving more? – thus moving into ‘unaffordable’ expense? Or are you sure you would be able to maintain the limits? Other members may have clearer thoughts on this and will post them, hopefully – ultimately, you must decide what is best for you and your family and no one will judge the decisions you make. Also, decisions are not set in stone – you can change things that do not work. This is a place for you to try out ideas, get new ideas and support. You do need a peaceful home, but do not blame yourself if sometimes it is not so.
Very best wishes,
Monique, Gambling Therapy Team