#2150
ell
Participant

Hello my dear and lovely velvet
I’m here, every day I read the site ,except from this weekend because we had a weekend here – national celebration that is why I haven’t answered I was with my daughter all the weekend.
Well my update:
I think you know the turtle????? . That is my cg and I. Our steps are almost like a turtle …slowly. Yes my dear velvet he is still gamble free and his commitment it is only his family and of course the debts.
He said that I’m a rock and that helped him so much to get his life normal again. He was thinking that after something so wrong he couldn’t succeed again. He is full of light now and he believes not that we can do it. …….. But that we are doing it. …
He told me that he was confused at the beginning … everything was a mountain in front of him and it helped him when I told him :
“”do you trust me??? if you do then follow me with no questions and the time to understand why some things happened or happens will come …just follow
The first priority was only not to gamble, not to have split in his recovery, the early recovery that you taught me velvet …and then the recovery starts…
Now after a year he said that he can understand why I was pushing him so much, not to stop the counseling when he thought that he is ok or why I was so direct with him all the time with not even a small break. Everything has a meaning I told him.
He told me that now he can understand how much he hurt me and he is so proud for me because I found the power to help him to save himself. He thinks that it is very difficult to find a way to help someone when you are hurt and that I was there for him to guide him.
I told him that you wanted to save yourself that is why you listen and you still listening. I told him that I believe that he is not mature yet and he needs time to feel that he can stands only in his legs … I told him that you wanted to listen so that worked with me , I was struggling but i was staying because I was seeing your improvement . If I was talking in a wall I think my love that we would be separate now…
And in that point he said to me: “”yes I know you so well my love…Because you cannot accept the same mistake for second time …I know you so well ….believe me””
I smiled…
We are together velvet. I’m trying every day to let my feelings free. The feelings are here but we need time. We have our hands together but I cannot be the wife that ok now we are all day hugs kisses sex and that’s it . I cannot do it that velvet sorry, I need more time. I know that I want him so much but I need time for all of this … We have nt got love life and now I can say that we have “something “. He is with me in this …and I am with him.
If he is in the right way I realize that I can do it …
As for me.. I think that im more calm now , im giving him some more trust in daily things , and of course im giving him the space to think how we can do the payments for the debts , what to pay fist what second and what day ?and he keeps the dates because he wants to be on time.
I feel velvet like a “teacher” and sometimes im tired but when I see his improvement something happens inside me and feel good again. Ups and down …
Now in November is our second anniversary at 10th and at 23 th of November my baby has her second birthday. Last year November was the worst month of my life …
This month I think that it will be easier ….I don’t need gifts ….i don’t need surprises I just need stability …nothing more than this …
Im a turtle …my steps are slowly , I sometimes feel guilty for this but I m trying to open and leave free again , but I know that a year with 365 days it is not enough , I /we need more.
There are days that I want cry and cry and cry , I want the pain to go away , sometimes the sentence “” needed time “” it is difficult for me , sometimes I becoming so impatient….and that is the time I struggle….
That is how my life is going …
I feel calmer, but I need time to re-open myself again, I need the pain and the fear to go away …. I need to come the time when I will feel that I want to burn all the pages of my story …because that time I will be totally free…
When he looks me in the eyes now he has his self confidence …I can feel it ……he thinks that he needs me in his recovery …but I know that he doesn’t any more ….he knows the rules of this game and he knows how he can win at the end …he just cannot believe that he did it …he thinks that I did it for him …
Ohhh sorry for the length I just saw what I wrote …
I’m taking big breaths and go on ….
I’m so happy to have so good friends in here.
With all my love
Ell