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#5656
lily
Participant

Firstly sorry for the delayed reply, I read it straight away and was mulling it over until I had time to do a proper post and had a lot to catch up on at home yesterday.

Well done for taking the bull by the horns I am pleased you had the conversation and you did well keeping him on track and saying calmish, actually having such a long conversation together is a testament to your relationship as most active CG will be out of there at the first mention of the gambling or so defensive it will be impossible to get anywhere.

It is obvious however he does not see the problem, he only sees you have one with him gambling, this is usual at the stage. For recovery an active CG must 1. admit HE has a problem 2,Want to stop 3. Restrict his access to money 4. Get specific professional help. Skipping to step 4 will not work, some do 3 and 4 in reverse order and in fact often that is the very last thing they are willing to do but it is essential to recovery not doing so to use your earlier analogy is like expecting a coke addict to give up with a bag of coke sat next to them.

Many CG’s are self employed I have found, this is so they have both the opportunity and the ready cash to gamble without being held accountable. The majority of CG’s start in their teens although it doesn’t always become an obvious problem until later on. Compulsive gambling is progressive and so as things get worse it gets more difficult to hide and they eventually get found out or come unstuck. It usually isn’t until they really hit rock bottom that they start to seek help and until then may see it as a hobby or something they enjoy even while it is getting them into trouble.

While I can see your logic with the relationship counseling I am very doubtful it will work even if he goes. He needs to recognise it is his problem before he can move forward and he needs somewhere he can open up and that won’t be in front of you, he has too much to lose. Chances are he is in far deeper than he has admitted even to himself. I hope you don’t mind but I ran the idea of relationship counseling by my partner and he said no way would it work, his feeling is that it would just put the problem back with you and the relationship rather than your bf looking at his own issues.

I am afraid your bf is where he is. I would suggest you let him look through one of the questionnaires you get online about signs you are a compulsive gambler as a starting point.

Perhaps also go and get counseling yourself to help you through this time and to show him counseling is a normal sensible thing to do for self improvement and to help deal with problems that crop up in life. It is not healthy or productive to obsess about what he is doing, from experience and 200 miles away I can tell you now the likelihood at this stage is he will be gambling, he has access to money, a raging addiction and no desire to stop so why wouldn’t he?

I am not saying give up on him but he will need time to come around to getting help. Love for you is not enough to stop him, it never is, they have to want to do it for themselves. My partner had already been admitting his problem for at least 10 years before he went into treatment, he went into treatment because I gave him an ultimatum and as he reminded me the other day I told him not to come home until be had started it. Wasn’t I clever, didn’t I get him in there? No because in residential treatment he was just going through the motions because that was what I demanded and it wasn’t until I recognsed this and left him that he began to engage. Fair play to him he didn’t have to he could of walked out but he did because he wanted to stop, he realised the affect it was having on his life and even then it was really hard and not completely gamble free for many years. Not everyone’s paths to recoveries are so long, my partner gambled a long time, he got to some low places, it was the only life he had know since he was 15 or so.

So the key points to my ramble are:

You can not save him

He has to recognise he has a problem and want to do it for himself

You need to take care of yourself and your needs which will be the best thing you can do for both of you ultimately.

Once again I have been extremely frank with you, I sense you can take it and you have said you don’t like pussy footing around. You are no ones fool and that is a really good thing, your CG is very lucky to have you around fighting his corner even if he doesn’t see yet that there is actually a fight on!

Sorry there are no quick fixes, take each day as it comes and take care of you, Lily x