Nomore, I saw one of your posts on another thread earlier and it was very sensible etc. I was looking to see if I can find out more about you and couldn’t but then I came back here and found this. I just want to say hello and also mention that many things you said resonate with me. At times, I don’t want anything to do with (other) people; it seems much social is “much ado about nothing” but in my case, I think it has more to do with authenticity than a genuine desire to be alone (although I don’t do well if I have to be around people for long periods, I need to “recharge” or so it seems).
I’ve been having a rough time and the last day or so has just gotten to me. It seems illogical and pointless to keep trying when NOTHING goes anywhere and if I think too hard on the “reality” that I didn’t cause (“my own” problems) I just end up with all kinds of impotent anger that I can’t find any constructive outlets for.
I can’t think too hard about the two pets that we lost when I was “evicted” from the house by ex-husband’s brother (who bought it to help CG not have to pay me). I feel responsible and even though I KNOW how frazzly I was (and am) I can’t help but think that it’s my fault. But in fact, the brother refused to give one back. He was twisting the knife once again.
I also lost almost all my possessions and some very dear to me.
It is a very hard road. I was interested in what you said about your daughter working at the Aquarium. My own daughter has loved animals since she was a child and wanted to go to veterinary school and later, a place called Cat Tails. I believe it is in Washington. Instead, she is working in insurance and doing well, but it is definitely not “her love”.
I’m not on here regularly. I go out most nights and collect cans and anything else I can to get through the month. For me, it seems like an endless month … I “get through” and then it just starts all over again.
I was impressed when I saw your posts and “say hi”. I didn’t see anything for sending messages to people. But also want to say that I hope in future we can get to know each other/be a source of encouragement.
When you talk about getting out of where you are and having a place of your own (and the apparent impossibility) that is one thing that really hits home with me. My ex ran off with someone else and filed for divorce; than is when I actually learned about his gambling problem. If the divorce had gone quickly and smoothly, I probably would have the place of my own (and possessions and pets). In my case, I was punished for refusing to leave and so on. I guess that one thing I have learned in life is that sometimes, we end up in places (not always bad, either!) that we would never have ended up “but for circumstances”. Also that sometimes the impossible does become the possible – and the completed. Not saying that WILL happen for either or both, just that I guess it’s what helps me to keep going. I have “faith” but it is not blind and is being tested. I figure if I’m going through what amounts to hell on earth, there must be a reason for it or I am not “getting” something. I certainly DON’T subscribe to theories of “this” being the divine will for me (which lets everyone else off the hook, by the way!).
I will wrap for now, but just again, wanted to say hi and all, and just found the way to search and was able to read a bit more that you have written. Also to say thanks, because you have helped me without even response because I can’t believe how hard it is to find ANY resources, support or even anyone who gives a darn about what happens to spouses/children of people with gambling problems. It’s pretty clear to me that you are an intelligent person and it reassures me because I know there’s someone out there who KNOWS. What you said, too, about running long and fast and all … I have been wondering, I guess, if maybe I was wrong to stand my ground and STAY, when he demanded a divorce and told me flat out he would destroy me. We were divorced before and the children lied to and he had tried to get me cut out of their lives altogether. I think you, like me, did the best you knew and could and I KNOW that the “problem” ISN’T you or what you did/didn’t do. We are just the ones that get to cope and deal with it all.