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everyone and thank you P for your post, yes gambling addiction kills people in so many ways. I certainly been close a number of times.

I am writing now just cos I am mad, in fact I think I have spent a lot of the last few days feeling mad, I wonder what normal people do when they feel mad? I know what I used to do but I don’t have that option any more.
My house has been so neglected for so long and it just got to the point that so much to sort out, I just kinda gave up. Well last week I tackled my outbuilding and today I have sorted out my room and half the kitchen, but there is so much junk everywhere, I have bagged up a lot of clothes for charity shop, clothes I don’t need will never wear. I have been feeling really annoyed with my daughters, so lazy, won’t help and when I ask for a teeny thing it be done ie get rid of all their junk you would think I was asking for 12 hours hard labour! It is my fault of course like everything always is, I have been too soft on them over the years, I guess trying to compensate for all I felt I was lacking in and making their life easy but now they are both in legal terms adults and yet I am still doing everything. They disappear to rooms when cleaning to be done, I have said I am going to bag up all their stuff and bin it as clearly they do not want it, everything just feels too much maybe I am being unreasonable but do I have to wait on them hand and foot until they leave? Was this all part of the role, I signed up for chief cook bottle washer and cleaner forever, sick of the mess, am trying to sort the inner chaos but really noticing the outer chaos.
I am ranting I know that but it is just for me since I don’t have any other escape route.
Anyway some jobs done a lot more to do yet, but I have made a cup of tea and am taking a short break, it’s all probably nothing anyway it’s just me complaining when I should never have let things slide for so long.
I need to be superwoman not how I feel today, everyone else seems to cope with keeping things in order why can’t I? tired of being at the bottom of my mountain. well maybe not quite at the bottom but not very far up it.